Feeling the heavy weight of 28
Staring down the barrel of my almost-thirties.
Hey Film Fam, welcome back!
I hope you’ve had a wonderful few weeks since we saw each other last. I’ve been flat out with a combined 40+ hours of Film Developing and Scanning over this last week alone and am really feeling it!
Usually my newsletters are quite long and full of photos, but this one will be a little different and shorter while I’m busy finishing up some work, start delivering photos, and really sink into the reality that my 29th birthday is lurking just around the corner - Oops that reminds me I had better order my cake now while there’s time…
So, how about we get into it?
Overcoming the cringe and doing it anyway.
Something that majorly holds me back is my fear of what other people may think of me. I’m often plagued with embarrassment, overthink every interaction, and feel like an outsider 95% of the time I’m trying to put myself out there.
While my social anxiety is nowhere near as bad as it was, it still creeps up on me when I least expect it. Still, I feel like so much of my life the last few years especially has been wanting to both be seen, but I don’t want anyone to actually know I exist… wild right?
I’ve started doing Instagram Lives - which have been terrifying yet also fun - and it’s forced me to get out of my own way and shake off the initial awkwardness once people ask me questions a few minutes in. Once I get talking I’m okay, but its the initial moments and the feeling I get hit with afterward that often puts me on edge. I hate feeling like I’m talking to the void and oh my god what do I do if nobody shows up???
This week alone I went ahead and did not just one, but two Live videos while scanning some 35mm Film, and I’ll share them in this newsletter as they’re amazing free resources jam packed full of information if you have the time to watch them!
The first one I talk about more film scanning specifics, including my settings, what I look for in a good scan, and talk through 3 test rolls, explaining what I’m doing and why as I go along.
The second one is more laid back, just me working away at scanning my film while interacting with people who joined the live. More of a ‘POV’ kind of view so you can actually see the scanning process and the film, rather than just me talking to a camera.
It was actually a lot of fun and I’m looking forward to doing more of these! It’s a really easy way to interact with my little community right now as well, and I’m sure as it slowly grows bigger I’ll be able to bring more interesting topics to the table and cover lots more aspects of shooting 35mm Film.
Outside of that I’ve kind of just been really reflecting on the last year of my life as it dawns on me that my birthday is coming up really really soon. I both love and hate my birthday, there’s so many uncomfortable trauma memories woven into it and I try to avoid celebrating. One thing I can’t avoid however is that lurking feeling that time is slipping away once again.
Okay, but why isn’t ‘it’ enough?
I’m really taking stock of the goals I’ve had, what I’ve managed to achieve so far, and what I want my final year of my twenties to look like. It’s all sort of sprung up on me and I’ve definitely had a few teary moments, and had to fight back against some confusion by asking myself some tough questions. One of the biggest ones being -