From F-Stops to Full Stops - Finding my true focus.
+ Embarking on a journey back to my authentic self.
Burnout? Yeah, I've been there - decided to build a fort there and stay for a while too apparently…
Don’t get me wrong - I’m still hyped about being the ‘Australian Pentax 17 Ambassador’, even though time is flying by much quicker than I expected and June already feels like a distant memory let alone bloody September! The past few months have been intense - as you know - and honestly?
Burnout has officially hit me like a ton of bricks.
It hit me so hard in fact I decided to just camp out on top of ‘Mount Stress’ and go fishing in the ‘Stream of Depression’ for a while now apparently... Because as it turns out, constantly having to prove your worth while hustling to build a photography career can be fucking draining.
There is an endless pressure to create content, market myself, chase projects, and be "on" all the time. The expectation from others for me to fulfil a certain role and be ready to drop everything to show up in an idealized way at a moment's notice has been like rocket fuel for my exhaustion. And lately, I've been feeling it big time.
I’ve been feeling really vulnerable, questioning my path, and wondering if this quest for my legacy to be a ‘35mm Film Specialist’ is even worth it anymore. (Even though arguably I’ve already achieved my biggest goal, so I guess if this was the end, it wouldn’t be so bad!)
I still adore shooting 35mm Film, and no matter how distressed I get, my first instinct is to express how I’m feeling and my lived experiences through my main passion - photography.
I love everything about it! Getting lost in the developing process and tweaking it to suit my vision, that it can’t be replicated even if I showed someone how to mimic me near perfectly, capturing those raw fleeting moments and turning them into something real, something people can witness and sink into... all of that? - still utterly obsessed!
But lately, that joy and spark has been buried under a mountain of anxiety and endless tears as you may already know. I’m stressed about money, clients, online hate, unexpected competition, the weird misogyny and sexualization towards me and my work, and this constant pressure to be "good enough”, highly likeable, and easily consumable.
It really hit home when a few of my mentors pulled me aside a little over a month ago, with bright eyes brimming with concern, asking me - "But Josie, where's the time for you in all of this?" And I just about burst into tears then and there.
My life has been living and breathing 35mm Film from the moment I wake, till I sleep all year long - and even then I have dreams/nightmares about it all! My backlog is overflowing, deadlines are a constant struggle with new work piling up, and the requests for unpaid work on top never seem to end.
And then there's the (still ongoing!) bullying and harassment I’ve had to endure. It's been brutal. Sharing work I'm proud of, only to still be met with jealousy and backhanded "constructive criticism"? No thanks. I didn't ask for it, and I don't need it. I have people I trust for feedback, not random internet trolls with an axe to grind.
This constant feeling of being attacked and having to defend myself, even though so many people - including Pentax and CRK - love my work, it's still exhausting. I had hoped my previous newsletter would calm shit down but it hasn’t. I'm tired of stressing over the emotional rollercoaster of parasocial relationships. I can’t even begin to imagine how much more intense this will get as things continue to expand and I grow even more as an ‘authority’ in the photography space.
It all has me truly reevaluating the way I show up online. Just because we live in a hyper-connected world doesn't mean I have to sacrifice my well-being to please others. I've done that for too long, and it led to a complete breakdown.
This isn't just burnout; it's a goddamn wake-up call. It's time for a change, and it's time for it now.
So let’s fucking change it shall we? (Aka, this is me telling you I already have lol)
Wait, Writing is FUN Again?!
Turning 30 back in September wasn't the total existential crisis I thought it would be – instead, it's been a gentle nudge toward establishing better boundaries and reconnecting with my ‘true self’, including personal values, and life goals.
Remember those tearful goodbyes to my 20s and how I dreaded my 29th let alone my 30th year? Yeah, I guess that was just me realizing I was craving something deeper, something more aligned with my soul and what I want to be when I grow up. (Do we ever know though?)
And then this year in August came Varuna – The Writer's Space. A writing course for disabled artists - a haven where we could explore and expand our skills in a truly accessible space. Every Sunday for 6 glorious weeks I got to have a long leisurely drive up the Blue Mountains to Katoomba, where I got to connect with incredibly talented artists and total babes, just like me!
It became the lifeline I didn't realize I was searching for. Each class left me feeling refreshed, seen, and heard - possibly for the first time in years.
I was nervous as expected but always volunteered first to break the ice, and everyone's reaction and feedback was so lovely. To be told by a fellow writer Elly to “Never stop writing about it Josie, it’s so important to share, we need your voice.” was such an affirming moment. It was a powerful reminder that creating art doesn't have to be a constant struggle either.
Suddenly, I wasn't just a film photographer with a disability, or ‘that unhinged film gremlin’ as you all lovingly consider me - I was an accomplished writer, a storyteller, a voice waiting to be heard – and there were people willing to listen!
(I also got highly commended by Varuna months prior which is a HUGE fucking academic achievement in itself! Slap that on my artist resume!)
My mentors, Fiona and Shannon (pictured above) offered the most incredible guidance throughout those 6 weeks.
I'll never forget the moment Shannon told me how urgent it was for me to carve out a space dedicated to my writing, because she believes I'm ready to be published in a big way. She understood my passion for film but emphasized the importance of finding a life balance - especially after I confessed how much I missed writing and how consumed I felt by photography. She shared with me her tips and tricks for creating writing rituals and helped me figure out what helps me click into place (In fact, I followed some of them before writing this! Morning Pages anyone? IFYKYK)
I took her advice and ran with it! I started exploring exhibitions, brainstorming manuscript ideas, and preparing myself for eventually applying for grants – basically, taking every step I could to get my foot in the door and share my writing with the world. I’m learning to figure out who I want my audience to be, and how I can best serve them, and myself in the process - by sharing my lived experiences and hopefully creating a safe space for others.
Together with my fellow disabled artists, we explored my deepest fears and frustrations. Fiona suggested I dip my toes into a hybrid form, where I could combine my love of poetry, memoir, and fiction with my existing body of work. It was like a lightbulb went off!
Suddenly, that spark and fire I had been missing was reignited.
That very night, I applied for an exhibition with only two hours to spare before the deadline. And guess what? I got in! I'll be published in the zine and showcased at the Blue Fringe Festival in the Blue Mountains, an exhibition celebrating the lived experiences of disabled people like me. How cool is that?!
Oh, and did I mention I'm not just working on a book, but I've been accepted into more writing courses and plan to apply for another scholarship next year? Yeah, things are getting pretty wild over here already!
I'm writing about my life, my struggles, the trauma I've endured (and spent over a decade processing in therapy), and what it's like living with D.I.D and Fibromyalgia. Being this open and vulnerable, sharing so many pieces of myself - in a way that makes sense and feels safe for me too - feels incredibly good. And connecting with other writers who truly understand has been so soothing for my soul.
'Film Negatives'
by Josephine Goris - September 21st 2024
They tried to erase you,
but I’ve got your film negatives tucked away in a folder, I archived them for you and scanned each photo, the ones from 1953, god you look so young,
and my own father, he looks exactly like you, same blue eyes, and hands, and mannerisms and when I see him sitting and reading a book, with his own silvery white hair, and soft skin, and worn hands, with a fucking headtorch on because he doesn’t want to turn on the light to blind my mother who’s sleeping with the door open in the adjacent room - I think of you,
sitting in your office, our hands touching briefly as you hold the fountain pen I still write with, passed on to your son, then me.
And I’ve got the same curious mind that likes to tinker with things,
and yesterday my watch dropped on the floor and broke and I was sad for a moment, but my father, your son, reminisced on using spring lugs and fixed it for me, just like you used to - master watchmaker - and told me to get spare parts, always fix what you have instead of buying new,
and so I fix cameras, and think of how you’d probably love that too,
imagine you asking me questions about how the gears click into place and the positioning of a mirror box,
and occasionally I wanna take a hammer to them but a wave of patience washes over me as I place microscopic strings around a tensioner, using a magnifying glass and I think about how many tiny moving parts there are within our cells that make us related,
that is the blood in my veins and although I’ve always been sad that my eyes are brown like my mother’s, I revel in the fact that I look more like you,
and that for me is something nobody can erase,
no matter how hard they try to shuffle paperwork and demand proof otherwise.
Actually taking care of myself? Revolutionary, I know…
This whole "being genuinely supported and understood" thing? Mind-blowing when it actually happens!
It made me realize how much I've been neglecting myself while chasing my photography dream and constantly having to fight for my basic needs. Seriously, I've been running on fumes, ignoring my body and soul, all because I thought that's what it took to be "successful." (Frankly, the internalized ableism needs to stop.)
Let's talk about Varuna again just for a moment - because this is what true accessibility looks like. They understand what it means to be a disabled artist, and they created a space where I felt safe, supported, and understood. No stairs to climb, no begging for basic considerations, no spending hours struggling to find parking or an accessible bathroom, no judgmental stares when I'm in pain and need to sit down or pack up and leave suddenly – just pure creative energy and a whole lotta acceptance.
It was the complete opposite of what I often experience in the photography world, where I'm constantly having to explain myself and fight for basic accessibility. (And let’s not get started on the endless commentary about “But, you don’t look disabled!”)
It was such a jarring contrast to go from that genuinely accessible space to being – let's be real, demanded – to show up for photography events where none of my needs were met.
I used to feel like I had no choice but to push through it, even if it meant risking my health or upsetting others by saying no. But not anymore. I no longer care if you get upset that I can't attend because there's no disabled parking, or I can't climb stairs, or I'm expected to walk 20 minutes to the venue or to a toilet because it didn’t seem like an issue - it is.
My needs are valid. I shouldn’t have to beg for it.
And did you know that the NSW government provides a FREE PDF that outlines what event organizers need to do to ensure bare minimum accessibility requirements are met? It's not rocket science people!
[There is PLENTY of other free and ironically accessible information provided by the government - just a quick google away to find pages of info!]
Please don't invite me and treat me like your token disabled artist/friend/guest because "Oh, but I know Josie, she’s fabulous - and she’s disabled!" Yes, you might ‘know’ me - but every time you ignore my safety, you're putting me - and other disabled people - in danger. Educate yourselves and do better, because I deserve better.
I'm not interested in further explaining myself and doing the heavy lifting. It's not on disabled people to make spaces accessible. It's exhausting carrying that mental load.
So I've made the choice to no longer attend – or to simply leave without warning – if a space isn't truly accessible, despite the host's claims. And that decision has been so incredibly liberating!
I should have done it ages ago…
Finding my way back to wellbeing - and having a fun time doing so!
Realizing that I deserve to be treated better extends beyond accessible spaces - it's about prioritizing my wellbeing in all aspects of my life.
This means actively seeking joy and implementing self-care practices that nourish my body and soul. My Fibro is in a constant wave of flare-ups, but I'm doing everything I can to manage it, even if that means disappointing people or making them wait a little longer - it’s a one woman show over here, not a whole ass commercial film lab! (heh)
Binge worthy TV:
Lately, I've been re-watching Sex and the City and relishing in some good 90s trashy girly TV. I love nothing more than slipping into bed with a hot cup of tea and my cat Cyren curled up on my lap as we see what Carrie writes about for her column (Substack vibes!) or what shenanigans Samantha gets up to - who as a teen I thought was the most outrageous and unhinged, but as a 30 year old myself now, totally love her!
Reading:
I've also been reading Simple Abundance, which has been just a little bit life-changing and made me reflect on what I truly need to live a happier and more simplified life. It’s a cult classic and something that’s been staring at me from my ‘TBR’ list for ages.
I found for me it works better to take a highlighter to the page and treat it like an actual workbook, and then find a warm spot in the sun to journal about my thoughts and feelings afterwards.
Moring Routines:
I've gotten back into a morning routine that sets me up for success. Walking as far as I physically can without hurting myself, and actually being present instead of getting distracted by music or my phone, has been so good and soothing.
I lace up my embarrassingly fluro sneakers, sling my Yeti bottle holder over my shoulder and head out for a walk, basking in the crisp air on my face. (Or on the treadmill in shit weather.) I’m paying more attention to that one tree that looks so inviting to sit under, the different sounds of the birds, and my feet connecting with the earth.
I took the joke “you’re chronically online, go touch some grass.” quite literally and now I disconnect entirely during certain times and on certain days to do just that - touch some grass - best decision ever!
Daily Exercise:
I’m trying to tie this in with some other exercises - yoga, somatic, strength training - the things I was doing a while ago and made me feel really good, but stress usually kicks in and ‘me time’ and my routines are the first thing to go, oops.
I’m approaching it in a way that makes sense for how overwhelmed I already am - trying to make it more sustainable so I can stay consistent and not get upset. Each day is different with Fibro, and I can’t always stick to a strict exercise plan, so I’ve set it up to be flexible - yet still hit the basics. It’s been really lovely actually - and helps rebuild the lost self trust and endless broken promises by putting other’s needs first.
Time blocking:
I'm trying to properly time block my day and stick to it. I have a Pomodoro-type timer to remind me to stretch often, as my medical team has told me to move every 20-30 minutes while I'm still recovering from my spinal injury. And yes I fell for the trap and got a stupid little productivity planner which I’m a little annoyed at how well it works.
I find myself writing and working much more efficiently by doing this even though it’s fairly basic. I like to play that typical meditative music, like the 444hz angel number stuff - somehow it works and keeps my busy and easily distracted brain focused!
Magnesium and a Spa Day:
Magnesium/Epsom foot soaks? A must! I have a bubbling foot spa, and it's noisy but freaking divine. I highly recommend it - but please check in with your doctor first, especially if you’re taking Fibroplex or other supplements like I have to - because magnesium overdose is not to be taken lightly!
Screw "Success," I want to feel ALIVE.
So, here's the bottom line: I'm no longer chasing someone else's definition of success. I'm rewriting the rules, baby! *finger guns*
No more burning myself out for ungrateful clients, or bending over backwards for the photography community, along with validation through Instagram likes and the algorithm.
I’m done wasting any further energy on people who have shown their true colours – like the ones ripping off my work, continuing to make snide comments, and trying to tear me down to make themselves feel better over missing out on the Pentax launch as if somehow it was my fault… (My last Substack must have been so good! 27 visits across 3 days to fully absorb its brilliance and integrate it into your own work almost word for word… did you forget there’s analytics?)
It's disappointing that some still see me as competition when I'm actively trying to create a space where we all thrive - especially for disabled and female artists who are often marginalized as it is. The art world is big enough for everyone's brilliance.
I’m not a threat, and I’m not interested in completing with anyone, sorry to disappoint - I’m too focused on my own little niche and pile of work over here! And (perhaps stupidly) I’m still here rooting for you, supporting your work, and wishing you the best despite your inability to accept it.
Still, I’m learning that no matter what I say or do, I can't control how people react or treat me. There's no use in trying to smack my head against a brick wall only to get the same results - so I'm putting those worries in a "fuck it!" box and moving on (Thanks Dougie the fridge repair man for your hilarious and refreshing view on living a stress free life!)
It's time to prioritize my wellbeing, explore new creative avenues like my writing practice, or getting freaky with fun film stocks again - and just enjoy the damn ride - in my trusty sidekick Scorpion of course!
I really don't want my 30s to be another decade of clawing my way back from trauma and mistreatment, only to realize I've been treating myself just as badly and compromising my needs. It's time to break that cycle.
Self abandonment sucks more than the disrespect I’ve dealt with! I’m hoping that by re-committing to myself and making changes that I’ll begin to feel more at ease and bounce back stronger from setbacks.
Don't worry, I'm not abandoning film photography entirely. This is about exploring new possibilities, finding a healthier balance, and creating art that truly reflects who I am. Rediscovering what makes my ‘authentic self’ feel alive again. Maybe that means fewer paid gigs and more personal projects, or maybe it means blending my writing and photography to create something totally unique.
With this newfound focus on self-care and creative exploration, who knows what I might achieve? The possibilities are endless!
A commitment to myself (and to you!)
For the next 6 months, you'll be joining me on this wild new chapter. As I've hinted, my Substack is changing along with me, yay!
I'm going to archive/paywall some of my older work (the educational stuff that took weeks to create but went unappreciated, and anything that isn’t my ongoing free photography newsletter) and bring my hybrid work to the forefront.
Here’s what you can expect:
’Unpolished’ Posts + Poetry/Writing:
Expect to see a lot more finished and unfinished writing, musings, and lessons learned as I strive to find that sweet spot between my two biggest passions: poetry and photography.
Journal/chit chat/catch up style shorter newsletters here and there - because lets be real, I love a ramble but these LONG updates take me daaaays to write and it gets a bit much sometimes I can admit!
I've got a new mentor (a writer and multidisciplinary artist this time!), and her teachings have been life-changing. I want to share some of my journal prompts, the things I do to work through imposter syndrome, and general things I find inspirational.
I'm prepared for some of you to skip over those newsletters - which is totally fine! - as I'm no longer waiting until I have finished film shots to include. I'm just going to share what I have as it comes up, rather than putting it off for months to post a "perfect," curated newsletter.
Think of it as a behind-the-scenes look at my creative process!
Podcast Vibes:
And guess what? You'll be hearing my voice loud and clear! I got a voice recording setup a while ago, and my friends and I have been toying with the idea of starting a photography podcast. Hopefully, that will kick off soon!
I also want to narrate more of my newsletters to create a deeper connection - like with my well received Voiceover one I did ages ago! And who knows, maybe this will expand into other areas!
Youtube + Narrated Content:
I'm also committing to my promise to be more visible by starting a YouTube series. It's all planned out, and I'm so freaking excited to get started. It's probably unlike any other photography series you've seen – it's 100% "Josie on Film" branded. I can't wait for you to see the pilot and what's to come.
Plus it'll also become a newsletter series! So if you can't tune into the video, or that's not your jam, you'll get a narrated newsletter instead.
Australian Pentax 17 Ambassadorship:
And finally, yes, I'm still with Pentax and still working on the Pentax 17 project! Plenty more to come in the near future, so stick around for some epic photoshoots dropping soon!
I’m still at the beginning of a long and wonderful connection, but I know that it’s important for me to fill my cup with other creative adventures so I can show up as my best self for the team at Pentax too. I know that everyone benefits when I’m feeling great and genuinely inspired.
Embracing the ‘Unknown’
Yes, it's scary not knowing exactly what the future holds and going down a brand new path. But you know what's scarier? Wasting my precious time and energy on things that don't light me up. So, I'm embracing the uncertainty, trusting my gut, and saying yes to these new adventures!
Maybe my "Ricoh Queen" film career will take a detour. Maybe I'll become a best-selling poet performing in some kick-ass venues (a girl can dream, right?). Maybe I'll invent a new art form that involves interpretive dance and vintage cameras – who knows?! The point is, I'm open to whatever comes my way.
But one thing's for sure: I'm done measuring my worth by external standards. True success isn't about numbers or followers or the approval of total strangers - it's about feeling fulfilled, creatively and personally. It’s about feeling proud and really fucking good about what I’ve managed to achieve. It’s about making my teenage self proud too.
Ultimately, success to me is living a life that feels authentic and true to myself, and a life where my disability isn't a limitation or something to be ashamed of, but a source of strength and inspiration - hopefully my experiences can be a guiding light for others.
The future is so freaking bright, and finally, I'm excited again!
Let’s do this together!
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. So many of us are struggling with burnout, self-doubt, and the pressure to "make it."
Let's ditch the hustle and create a community where we can support each other, celebrate our wins, and be real about our struggles. Let's redefine success together and embrace the messy, beautiful journey of being artists and humans.
What have you been struggling with? How can I help you feel less alone in this crazy world where we're constantly connected yet often feel unseen?
What brings you true joy? Have you let that slide? Why do you keep putting yourself last? (Sorry, not sorry - we’re going to be getting deep and brutal here real quick!)
I'm here in your corner, and I'm on this journey with you.
(And if you’re on Threads too, I’m there almost daily interacting directly with my little community!)
If you're in the same boat as I once was, struggling to paddle on a shallow lake... what the hell are you doing?!
Get out of it, jump in the passenger seat of Scorpion, and let’s go find some solid ground together, eh?
Till the next one,
Take care!
xoxo, Josie
Oof wow. As an film photog I relate to a lot of what you’re saying but “constantly having to prove your worth while hustling to build a photography career can be fucking draining” really hit home 😮💨