Hey Film Fam, welcome back!
I’ve had such a full two weeks and had convinced myself I’d be ultra productive if I book 3+ appointments each and every day, and instead I’ve been more exhausted and burnt out than ever… oops. But to be fair I got so much done that I now have almost 10 days of absolutely sweet fuck all on - and I plan to go on a bit of a fun 35mm Film adventure in the Blue Mountains near Oberon again, with a potential for some snow chasing as the temperature drops further!
I hope the last fortnight for you has been a good one, or if it’s been a bit of a blah shitty one that’s okay too - I’m just glad you’re here hanging out with me for a bit. It’s so nice to see you again :)
As always these newsletters tend to be a bit rambly, photo heavy where possible, and have the vibe of catching up with that one friend you haven’t seen in a while who’s just very passionate about all things film. So if that’s your kind of jam, you’re in the right place!
Grab a coffee, settle in, and let’s get into it!
Exploring Loneliness
I’ve been leaning really deeply into some uncomfortable feelings - feelings that have heavily centered around not only my art but my ability to create art as well. I’ve sorted through all the gross bits and pieces, shuffled overwhelm out of the way, dug underneath that protective layer of anger - and the root of it all is unsurprisingly this lingering sense of loneliness.
I didn’t realize how it seeps into every aspect of my life until I started to pay attention to this ‘icky’ feeling I got every now and then.
Like when I’m awake into the early hours of the morning - because while I don’t have insomnia anymore, it’s more or less turned me into a permanently stressed night owl who has a serious case of ‘revenge procrastination’ and attempting to cram even more activities into the dwindling hours of the night - I’m hit with a little kiss of it. A little nudge of dread in the pit of my stomach as I notice that everyone is sound asleep - so it’s just me, alone, waiting for nothing in particular.
I hear it rumbling in a small corner of my skull when I’m driving alone through winding country roads, and my radio cuts out because the reception is bad, and now there’s nothing to distract me from it.
And as I’m loading yet another roll of film onto the reel knowing that I have 6+ hours ahead of me before I’ll talk to another person - I can feel it curl up around my heart and pound in sync with each pulse of blood, almost hear it rattling up against my rib cage.
It’s always there. It always has been. It probably always will be - and so I want to become friends with it.
Of course this means facing it head on and identifying where and why I’ve been feeling this way, and the season it seems to hit hardest is during Winter. It’s a combination of seasonal depression and my Fibromyalgia getting significantly worse when the temperature drops which renders me exhausted and unable to do pretty much anything for 3 whole months. I’m left with a lot of extra time on my hands to dwell on feelings I normally shove to the side.
I often find myself flicking through past rolls shot between June - August and found common themes sprinkled in here and there. The biggest one being is that it seems that I almost always go back to nature and try to find a sense of joy again in amongst the greenery.
It’s probably to escape the boring mundane monotone blue-grey that is my wall I find myself staring at for hours on end…
Revisiting the past
I’ve been revisiting the past in my writing practice as well - and as I mentioned in the last Newsletter, I recently started a wonderful workshop with my dear friend Carson which I mean, ooft! It hit me like a ton of bricks the first hour alone!
I already had this theme in mind for my Substack and then I started seeing it everywhere - especially when the title of the first workshop was quite simply called ‘The Loneliness’ - and what came out was not what I was expecting to write about at all.
I don’t normally share drafts of my writing anywhere other than my IG stories for that class day, but it felt like it fit this time. We’re given a time limit with prompts based on what we’ve learned and then you go to free write for 5-7 minutes. I have a few years of slam poetry and performances under my belt so my style tends to be very stream of consciousness and what I write is always through the lens of it being a spoken word piece.
There’s of course things I can criticize and areas where imagery could be stronger, or that it could go in a different direction, but I was genuinely surprised at what poured out of me - and that is this deep burn out and this desire to escape the never ending marketing and messages that bombard out tiny little phone screens on a daily basis.
I realized I soothe my loneliness by doom-scrolling, by comparing myself to others, by trying to form friendships online with people I think are a more successful version of myself. I didn’t realize how I can be so deeply affected by this near constant connection in some way or another, and how much I really struggle to be okay with being alone.
Romanticizing the past
I have a bad habit of always thinking ‘back on when things were better’, it’s a cyclical thing I deal with where I convince myself I was either more attractive or skinnier, or happier, or that things were unfolding a little more smoothly.
I romanticize all the good parts and tend to ignore the struggles that came with it, and I absolutely romanticize my past selves now more than ever - I think it’s the ignorance I miss. The innocence of not having experienced some shitty things quite yet. And the belief that if I could just stay there in that moment it would solve all my current problems.
I feel like I do it with my photography as well. I can easily slip into this mindset that I’ve already peaked and it’s all downhill from here. Previous photoshoots I would once cringe over I can look at now with much kinder eyes and recognize I was still learning and understand what I did wrong - along with how I could improve it if I had a chance to try again.
Still there’s this lingering feeling that I’m falling behind, or will get left behind and forgotten - and then oops, that sense of loneliness and desperately wanting a space to belong comes creeping back in.
I think I’m slowly making peace with the fact that I’ll always be an outsider - and maybe that’s something I can turn into a strength, my ability to persevere regardless and keep showing up even if the only person really cheering me on is myself.
Even so, it’s hard to look back at where I was a year ago even - as right about now I’d be about to embark upon some really kickass work, only to be told that I’ve sustained an injury and will need to stop. But that excitement and passion I had moments before disaster in July 2022 - I want that back, I want to stay in that moment and soak it all in, even though I know it’s not actually how it was…
Promoting Growth
I don’t want to cut off (or as I cheekily say ‘prune’) these feelings and this nostalgia I’ve been experiencing - there’s no benefit to me removing or denying it completely - but I’m trying to find ways to accept and move through it while also pushing towards a new horizon of growth and ultimately some positive change.
I had an amazing one-on-one mentoring session with Lucy Lumen - who is an incredibly warm and inviting person, and a kickass photographer too - and it really helped me solidify what I needed to not necessarily cut out, but redirect and move away from while still honoring that part of my 35mm Film journey and what I want to offer the world.
I hesitated for a while because I really didn’t want to go with someone who might just tear me apart and heavily criticize every single photo I’ve taken or you know, obliterated my hopes and dreams - so instead I picked Lucy because she has always been so incredibly kind to me and I have had so much joy watching her grow and her photography evolve as she goes on her own adventure with film.
It ended up being the best thing and I ended up with a unique perspective on my work and goals so far, and we were able to discuss some really major themes and subjects about my photography that I hadn’t even considered. It was a gentle nudge in a direction that would make more sense for me.
And that more or less is - if I can’t physically get out there and snap photos like I have been, then why don’t I sink deeper into the idea of pivoting towards being an Educator. I already have experience being an active Teaching Artist and anyone who knows me can tell you I’d be able to give a 1hr TED talk on all things 35mm Film if someone asked me to so in a heartbeat. So I’m really excited to be developing those ideas further.
I’ve already spent the last day or two preparing photos and an outline for some fun resources I can’t wait to share with you sometime soon. And I’m equally as excited to be going out early next week and experimenting with a few new things, and developing the film to include as a tutorial alongside it - I can’t tell you anything else other than it involving some Cinefilm and a really gorgeous beachy location!
I really can’t recommend a mentoring session enough - it helps you get out of your own head, get out of the way, and allows you to really take on constructive feedback from someone who’s coming to your work with a fresh set of eyes. Lucy is incredible and it’s really wonderful of her to be sharing this service with the community - so absolutely go check out her Substack for so many free issues about all things film, and you can head over to her Instagram (linked earlier!) and either follow her bio links or shoot her a message about her mentoring and portfolio reviews!
Walking towards the future
Speaking of change, I assume you’ve noticed I switched things up a little with this newsletter. I’m trying to not be so rigid with structure and be a little less “on” and a bit more creative. I write best when I’m in that flow state - similar to where I go when writing poetry - and I can just let it naturally go wherever it wants to go.
I want to try the ‘podcast’ feature on here, and was brainstorming with Lucy ways to best use this Substack. I’d love to bring some fun blogs where maybe I tell the story with my own voice rather than give you a wall of text to read, and instead you get a whole roll to scroll through while I’m talking.
Or if I can figure out how to get my external mic to work with my voice recorder - I could do a little ‘come take photos with me’ kind of adventure audio, where we can wander the forests together and I’ll put up the images I created along the way.
Let me know in the comments if this is something you’d love to see! I really value your feedback and want this space to be one that you enjoy as much as I do.
I’m trying new things, taking some new risks, and just really pushing towards an art practice that feels more authentic and true to who I am. I’ve chopped my hair off into a shaggy mullet, I just picked up my nerdy ‘1994 Stargate movie - James Spader as Dr. Daniel Jackson’ style glasses, and some kickass aviators as well. And I’m kind of going through a bit of an aesthetic change personally - I’m sure my photography will probably follow it too!
I’m leaning more into the alternative goth girl I once was in my early 20’s, the one I keep chasing, the version of myself I keep trying to impress. I figured I’ll bring her to the present and try to embody her a little more - just with a lot more common sense nowadays and a much more disciplined 35mm Film practice compared to way back then!
It very much feels like the end of an era, the closing of a chapter, the last day of Winter - whatever metaphor you want to use. It feels like sunnier days and more warmth is just around the corner for me - and I hope it is for you too.
Something a little different - Recommendations!
I’m leaving you with a few book recommendations, and a few little self care things that have really helped me as I go through this transitional moment of time. I’m getting back into journaling and reading, and both physical books and my kindle have become my constant companions again which has been so much fun :)
1 - Thriving Through Uncertainty - Moving beyond fear of the unknown and making change work for you - by Tama Kieves
I picked this up on a whim from the local library and when I tell you that I was absolutely sobbing just 50 pages in - that’s no exaggeration! So many nuggets of wisdom, so many simple questions to ask myself that I never even thought of. I have enjoyed this book enough to purchase myself a copy (so I can scribble notes on the pages!) and I’m still not entirely through it yet.
If you can track down a copy at your local library, give it a try. I know those kinds of self-help wishy washy books aren’t for everyone - most of the time I avoid them myself - but this one was just different. It really helped reassure me that not all change is bad and that it’s okay that I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life right now.2 - Guided Meditations by Steve Nobel, such as the ‘Super Quick Psychic Protection’ one I just listened to!
I was assigned a daily meditation exercise alongside my Yoga and Breathwork practice - which I have mostly kept up with for the last few months - and have found a new appreciation for finding some quiet time.
If I can’t get around to doing the Yoga as well I will at the very least put on a quick 12 minute meditation and convince myself to just bloody lay still and follow along with it. It’s usually enough to reset my mood if I’m feeling extra stressed - and if you’re like me and you’re into all things spiritual and Angels then there’s some really wonderful themed meditations out there.
If you prefer just music rather than being guided, then this is also a favourite track I play almost daily on Spotify.3 - Somatic Exercise with The Workout Witch - a gentle way of releasing trauma stored in the body.
I’ve been following and using Liz’ guides for a while now. In January I got her ‘Free Your Hips in 30 Days’ course and it was absolutely game changing for me. I’ve recently upgraded to the additional course that extends it to other areas of the body for a total of 90 days and am re-starting from the beginning. Some are as short as 5 minutes, others about 15-20 minutes which is perfect for squeezing into an already busy day.
I was extremely skeptical at first and didn’t think it would work, but it’s been something that’s surprisingly gotten me out of C-PTSD fight/flight activations. I can tell a difference in how I feel physically and emotionally when I skip a day. I team this with my spinal recovery exercises and it’s just so so good. A must if you need some gentle exercise and self care that can really benefit your mental health!4 - TWSBI Fountain Pens
I’m still unhealthily obsessed with Fountain Pens. I actually used to repair and restore vintage Esterbrook J pens from the 1950's specifically but that was nearly 10 years ago now. I have both my Grandpa’s pen and my Dad’s pen, and of course my own, and all three never leave my side.
They’re wonderful tools once you learn how to use them (Do not put any hard pressure on them at all! This isn’t a ball point pen! The weight of the pen + the smoothness of the nib will let it glide across the paper with little to no pressure.) - and if you have nerve damage in your hands like me, it’s actually a great accessibility tool to allow you to continue writing with a pen when you can’t use normal ones.For a more modern alternative I can’t recommend TWSBI enough. I’ve collected them since 2017 and I use the ‘Iris’ Diamond 580 on a daily basis - and yes it’s an investment but it’s got lifetime warranty and will probably outlive your grandkids - and I team it up with Noodler’s Purple Majesties which is a ‘Bulletproof’ archival safe ink.
5 - MFS 500T Cinefilm
I’m inviting you (if you can find some!) to try some Kodak Vision3 500T.
I grabbed a bulk roll maybe 4 months back on a whim.
I really like their ‘Cinema Print 2383’ super low ISO film (1-6 iso film, it’s a hard one to shoot but so lovely) and had great success with it even without an 85A filter to balance the colour outdoors.And I’ve also shot a portrait on ‘Expired 5218’ which is just 500T that was a few years old, so it was shot at around 50 ISO with an 85A filter to colour balance it for daytime use
I noticed a lot of people loved the 250D for outdoor shooting but a lot seem to skip past 500T simply because it has a remjet layer. But did you know that Cinestill 800T is just Kodak Vision3 500T without the anti-halation (remjet) layer as well? And yes that means 800T is supposed to be shot at 400 ISO for the best results. So that’s one way to shoot 500T without having to deal with Remjet if that’s what’s holding you back.
Otherwise if you have a lab that can process Remjet backed film - or you develop film yourself and don’t mind an extra 5-10 seconds of Remjet Remover followed by the Inversion Method for rinsing (up to 5-10 minutes of rinsing) then why not give true 500T a crack? I’ve always developed my Cinefilm in C-41 chemicals without any issue so you really don’t necessarily need the ECN-2 ones.
I’ll be sure to share my results from a crispy new roll of it soon!
Until next time!
Thanks for joining me on this little ‘journal entry’ like newsletter. I’m really enjoying it being less stressful for me, less restrictive. I have never worked well under pressure so now that it’s off a bit I feel like my passion for creating newsletters has come back as well.
I’ll be on the South Coast early next week taking some really cool photos - and I’ll try to remember to capture some behind the scenes moments to share with you next fortnight!
I’m doing a bit of an overhaul to everything - from Substack to Instagram and even my simple little Website. So watch these spaces, things will shift and transform a bit over time as I find my feet and navigate through these new changes that are coming at me full steam ahead.
Thanks again for tuning into this rambly newsletter. I hope you’re having a wonderful day so far. Drop a comment below and let me know what’s coming up for you so I can support you on your journey as well.
As always, until the next roll - take care!
Xoxo, Josie.