Hey Film Fam, welcome back!
A little bit of a change today as you probably noticed. I’m having less of a structured ‘the newsletter must go out at 9am on the dot!’ moment and trying to take it easy today. I’m having a really high pain week and just haven’t been physically well enough to sit at the computer until today. Otherwise if I was in better spirits I would have been up all night obsessing over making sure everything is ready as usual.
How has your fortnight been so far? Have you started a new project perhaps, or maybe you’re like me, still diving deep in your archives and playing catch up? I’d love to know what you’ve been up to.
As always these newsletters tend to be a bit rambly, photo heavy where possible, and have the vibe of catching up with that one friend you haven’t seen in a while who’s just very passionate about all things film. So if that’s your kind of jam, you’re in the right place!
Grab a coffee, settle in, and let’s get into it!
‘Night Rider’ - Exploring lived experience of disability and mental illness through visuals and poetry.
I’ve mentioned it in passing a few times but I’ve been slowly chipping away at a personal passion project. To be frank I haven’t really picked up where I left off with it back in November 2022. I lost my mojo for a while there. It is a sensitive subject for me to create art about after all.
Everything is still just mood boarded and in lists ready for me to just put the plan into action - and I will… once Spring comes. I recently rescanned the film roll in my last big batch of archiving - and with a bit of fiddling around and some colour grading I got Portra 800 to look the way it should finally which is definitely inspiring me to get a wriggle on! I won’t be using Portra 800 for the actual shoots I have planned but it was a good test at least.
I had watched waaaaay too much Blade Runner, Tron and of course Christine and just wanted to jam all those ideas together in a sort of spooky shoot with my GQ Patrol. I arrived a little too early in Port Kembla on the South Coast of NSW so I had to wait about an hour for it to start getting dark enough to really take advantage of the lights on the car as well as additional ones to enhance the scene. The industrial area had some spotlights that stayed on which were fun to navigate to say the least. All I could do was hope they didn’t accidentally confuse the light meter readings.
I used a mini RGB LED panel I had recently purchased (which I have no idea where I’ve put it actually!), and had borrowed a few of Jordan’s lights with red gels for an extra boost, as well as a light stick. He had the messy task of spraying haze in a can inside the car, ducking his head down in the back seat and trying not to choke on the fumes while I quickly snapped some photos on both Digital and Film. It really just helped make the red glow a bit more and almost bring the car to life.
The haze in a can doesn’t last very long so you have to spray quite a bit, wait 20 seconds for it to kind of half settle, snap your photos, then rinse and repeat - so be prepared to take a lot longer than expected to get your shots!
The cleanup however was not fun as a thick greasy film absolutely soaked everything and it felt so gross to touch anything while driving back home. Luckily it wiped away easily but oh boy, I’ll never spray that stuff inside my car again. Cool effect for some of the shots, but I’d rather avoid the mess.
To be honest I wasn’t really sure what the hell I was doing when I shot these photos. I hadn’t used this particular film stock before, and certainly not at night. I was so caught up in the Digital shots that I almost forgot to shoot the damn film, and a lot of the shots were landscape… which if you know Instagram is kind of useless for anything that isn’t shot vertically. Still they’ve been cropped as a 4x5 as best as I can - and is a reminder that next time I need to both compose them properly, and maybe use a 28mm lens instead.
It was just an off night for me and I kind of felt defeated the first time I saw these photos in December after I developed them. But here I am in July, with much kinder eyes, and a whole lot more knowledge and skill. I know what I did wrong, I know what I can do better next time - and really, the photos aren’t that bad.
What the heck even is it meant to be about?
The series will be exploring my lived experience with various disabilities, particularly Dissociative Identity Disorder - I spoke about it a bit more here for those who are curious ( 1 , 2, 3,). It’ll be a multi-part (heh, what a pun!) series I hope to shoot entirely on film over the next 2 years - complete with props and an actual storyline that explores my life as I moved through the healing process after being diagnosed over 10 years ago.
Majority of it will be kept under wraps until it’s complete as I plan to showcase it in some sort of art exhibition before public release and I really want to just keep it to my/ourselves until everything is completely in place.
So it’s mostly a secret project? I mean I talk about it a bit over on my Instagram, I’ve mentioned the subject here, and have been a lot more open and vulnerable about my personal experiences in general lately. It doesn’t take much to figure out where I’m going with it if you’ve been paying attention… Still, you probably won’t see the end product for a long time, so I hope these few film test shots satisfy your artsy needs for now!
Changing lanes
Other than tinkering away at that project, my usual June portrait didn’t exactly go according to plan and it’s been delayed until later in the year when it’s much warmer and I can get away with wearing the cute outfit I’ve picked (and also my health is a bit better.) It’s too damn cold right now in Winter to risk prancing around in short feminine underthings… I’m truly not that brave to play chicken with potential frostbitten bits and bobs!
Instead I got a flash of inspiration and decided to shoot a little self portrait in my own backyard. Something that could be girly but casual. I had a loose idea of what the theme could be and then I grabbed some old sheets and my flimsy backdrop stand, a few props including my bright orange Contessa typewriter, slapped on some easy makeup, put a dress on - and away I went!
I did actually injure myself taking these photos and spent the last week and a half recovering, oops. I underestimated how taxing it would be on my body to crawl back and forth in weird positions and hit the self timer shutter before running to place and hoping it’ll work on both Digital and Film. I’ll probably get an actual shutter release cable that sets up automatic timed photos so I can just let it snap away without needing to manually reset it next time around.
I’ve yet to find the time to develop the film, but i’m curious how different it’ll look as I used Ultramax rather than my usual go-to Kodak Gold or Fuji C200 (the original formula, not the rebranded stuff)
I used my $10 thrift store find Nikon D300, and yes I did spend a little bit of money and got a second hand 35mm f.1.8 lens for it - which gives it a 50mm equivalent crop. But it’s truly the nicest Nikon lens I’ve ever used and it’s so perfect for projects like this so it has been worth it already.
I also put a K&F Concept ‘Black Mist’ 1/2 strength filter on which just softens everything overall and gives it a bit of a nice glowy bloom effect when the sun hits just right.
These have turned out to be some of my all time favourite digital photos I’ve taken of myself. I just decided to have fun with it. Try new weird poses. Try to tell a story with my expressions and body language. Get a little wacky and wild. I only shot about 100 photos and selected maybe 15 that told the story I wanted to. So I’d say it was a success.
I think I did an alright job! What do you think? Let me know below!
An exercise in acceptance
Another reason I did this photoshoot was at the recommendation of my therapist. I’ve been struggling to connect to my feminine essence I guess you could say. Trauma has stolen so much from me and a lot of it is immediately connected to my identity. I struggle to feel comfortable and safe presenting as quite a femme version of myself - I immediately want to change into pants and cover up, reduce any risk that someone could harm me, or comment on my body, or god forbid some wind blow up my dress and expose my ass for the world to see.
But I don’t want to live every waking moment of my life sad that I can’t feel safe in my own skin. Trying on cute outfits only to talk myself out of it and wear the same boring all black jeggings and tee with a denim jacket that has become my ‘signature look’ is utterly exhausting. I miss being able to just wear whatever I wanted and not give a fuck what people thought about me. I was that weirdo who wore a stupid amount of glitter makeup that never ever came off, and head to toe classic goth babe complete with big stompy boots and way too many spikes. I was confident as heck and yet somewhere along the way I got lost.
Slowly but surely I’m finding my way back to comfort, to acceptance. And as silly as it may sound, it started with just wearing some red lipstick again without taking it off, without justifying why I felt like wearing it, or hiding myself while doing so. I’ve been walking around my house with a full face of makeup for no damn reason - simply to enjoy it again. I didn’t realize how much I needed that. How I love having a visual representation on my skin of how I feel on the inside, a way to get my creativity across that strictly isn't 35mm Film photos.
If you didn’t know I’m actually a professional Makeup Artist and Hairstylist too. I had to leave that behind as well when I took a step back from pursuing 35mm Film as a full time business. I was so distressed I didn’t touch my HMUA kit until the last 2 weeks, and only just started ‘allowing’ myself to do my own makeup. I felt guilty for daring to put some on and post a photo or story - and any time I have I almost always get potential clients messaging me asking when I’m back and if I’m taking bookings yet which just made me want to isolate more.
It’s been a bit of a wild journey to say the least. This constant exposure therapy. Proving again and again to myself that the world isn’t going to fall to pieces if I find the energy to be creative and play. And that just because I am trying something again - doesn’t mean I have to be ‘on’ and ‘back at full capacity’. I can enjoy it just for myself, without putting pressure on it having to be more than what it is. Putting boundaries in place is healthy to do as well.
I’m learning that it’s okay to give yourself permission to enjoy your own hobbies without constantly having to find ways to profit from it.
Settling into it
I’m truly settling into my current healing journey and routine now too. I’ve got my daily yoga and meditation practice which has been kind of wonderful really. I know, I know, I was one of those people who thought it was a load of crap as well - and no it will not magically cure your depression or trauma, but it’ll teach you how to not be a massive asshole to yourself!
I needed to find something gentle enough that my spine would stop screaming at me in agony and figured I truly had nothing else to lose by giving it a chance. Gentle yoga is where it’s at - and yes I had to reframe the way I viewed moving my body too. Less as a punishment, or as a hardcore tool to shred the kilos and get ripped, and more of a soft soothing way to show yourself a bit of love and care while your body just tries to make it through another day.
I feel so much better after I do it, and the initial guilt I felt for taking an hour of my day to dedicate to looking after my body has mostly faded away after a few months of fairly consistent practice.
I’ve taken on some more poetry classes too, I keep coming back full circle to my writing practice. Any time I think about taking a small break I miss it immensely and find myself reaching deeper for the community. So of course when a fellow Undercurrent poet, my dear friend Carson announced their workshops I let them know I’ll be jumping at that opportunity! I’ll be sharing a lot more of that over on my personal Instagram as always.
And now that I’ve kind of come out the other side of my bitterness I’m beginning to understanding the need to rest and take it easy. This weird period of feeling lost has allowed me to recalibrate in some way. I’ve re-found a passion for creative photography again, and I’m also starting to reach out to other creatives and find ways to either improve my practice via workshops and content days, or just joining in on more networking events and meeting others in a similar space. It feels nice to be slowly getting back into the photography space - just with zero pressure to ‘prove’ myself, and no real clients right now to stress over.
It’s a bit of a free for all right now. I can create whatever the heck I want, purely for myself. And I think that’s been what’s missing for a while.
A different kind of Mechanical Beast… not a camera for once!
I’m diving back into Machine Knitting again too, and hand knitting. Something that keeps my hands busy and keeps me creating rather than sulking and obsessing over all the cool photoshoots I’m still missing out on for a little while longer.
It’s kind of a throwback to my previous creative life. I would make custom homewares and design things entirely using the (truly ancient) 1960’s - 1980’s machine knitting technology which either consisted of pushing buttons and pulling a lever to create a pattern with the needles, or by punching holes in a plastic sheet for the machine to semi-automatically move the needles for you. It would take countless weeks and sometimes months to create just one item but it’s always been a craft I’m absolutely in love with the process of. I think just anything highly technical and considered a challenge to master is what I love most about it.
Hand knitting is just as technical for me, I pick the most wild and obscure and near impossible lace projects to create that take literal years to complete by hand… I keep telling myself I’ll finish the classic LOTR shawl ‘Evenstar’ but as always I get a little intimidated and ignore it for a few weeks. This time I’m taking it a bit more seriously. I know that the process itself is almost meditative once you get into the swing of things so I just need to really truly commit to it and get going.
I plan of course to take some cute film portraits and use the knitted garments I make in future photoshoot, especially the machine knitted ones as they’ll be finished quicker.
All I have is a really terribly shaky film photo of my space - heh - but if this is something you’re keen on hearing about I’ll be sure to snap some photos and videos another time!
What’s on the cards once Winter is over?
Exciting things hopefully! I’m fairly non-functioning in Winter as the cooler weather is not kind at all to my Fibro and it means there’s much less daylight where I can comfortably work. So towards the end of August through to October I’ll be dipping my toes in a lot more fun creative shoots!
I’ve got a few fun collaborations with fellow photographers lined up. It’s been a while since I was a part of a group event or even a small creative project with others so I’m really keen to test the waters. Yes of course I have a lot of restrictions which I need to address (In fact I just finished my new 2023 Disability Guide… I’m thinking of releasing one as a resource for creatives in general to use when planning Photoshoots for clients who have Accessibility needs!) But I have everything planned out and will be sure not to push myself too hard to avoid another lengthy recovery.
Then I have decided come hell or high water in November or early December I will launch my first 35mm Film Workshop in my local town. If it’s a success, then heck yeah! It’ll get extended to various locations. And if it doesn’t quite pick up off the ground, well then I’m planning it in a way that no matter what I’ll have fun and get some really cool Editorial Portraits out of it for my portfolio, and that’ll be that! I’m ensuring it’s a win-win scenario for me regardless of what happens and I’m so excited to start getting all the pieces together for that!
And of course over the next few weeks I will schedule a film developing session. I have fresh chemicals I need to mix and a few more cameras to test this week before it happens. I’m itching to show off some really cool photos that have been sitting there waiting to be dev’d for a few months now, oops.
P.S - Remember when I said the very very last camera I ever wanted to find was a Minolta SRT? Well… I now have one! She needs some work but she’s a beauty! I’ll be sure to write a Substack about it soon ;)
That’s all for now…
Thank you for your patience as I settle into a routine that feels better and less stressful. I want my Substack to be a fun little journal space for me and not feel like it’s another job I ‘have’ to do, but rather something I’m excited about and actively choose to write every fortnight.
Like with most things I do, there’s a bit of resistance, a bit of teething problems to work through, and eventually I find my groove again.
Also has everyone heard the hype about Threads? I’ve of course joined it and I’m using it as a place to put daily stuff and a lot of ‘behind the scenes’ film goodies that don’t really belong on my Instagram feed, and are ignored/lost in IG stories. Maybe I’ll see you on there?
Thanks again for tuning into this newsletter, I appreciate you taking time out of your evening to catch up on this late newsletter. Drop a comment below and let me know if you’ve also got a passion project you’re working on :)
As always, until the next roll - take care!
Xoxo, Josie