The Weekly Download - Issue 3
Grieving, Starting Over (again), and Pentax 17 Adventures
Hey Film Fam!
Welcome to another sneak peek into what I’m doing in my little film gremlin corner of the world!
It's been a bit of a rollercoaster week over here (I'll fill you in soon!), but I'm feeling grateful for my amazing community and excited to share some updates with you all.
So, let's dive into our weekly creative hangout! Grab your favourite drink (I’m really into Peppermint Tea lately), settle in, and let's get cracking with it!
This Week in My World:
When it rains, it fucking pours - *cue Bring Me The Horizon blasting*
This week that ‘downpour’ of bad news felt relentless. I’m someone who’s usually good at finding the silver lining in everything - even the events that could be considered traumatic. It’s one of the qualities I have that I both love and hate - resilience. What used to take me months to move on from takes me a few days or two weeks max. I rapid cycle through the grief stages and then just move the fuck on.
That coping mechanism kicked when I got some news that honestly kind of messed me up. And as if that wasn’t enough it was followed by a series of endings and further disappointments.
There’s a meme going around Instagram about how people prepare for their ‘yearly canon event’ around this time - and I guess mine hit! Thanks universe.
I'm not quite ready to share the details, - eventually it’ll make its way to a ‘Midweek Musing’ or an ‘Interlinked’ newsletter, but let's just say it was something I'd been anticipating, and it still hit me hard despite preparing for its inevitability. This week has been a blur of going through the motions, breaking down, and venting to loved ones. And of course navigating the expected dissociative shutdowns.
I'm incredibly grateful for my support network right now. And while I know I'm not back at square one, it's hard to see the progress when everything feels so shitty and overwhelming once again.
I’ll be okay though! I’ve got some cool photoshoots happening with friends, I’ve had a therapy sesh, and I’ve made a game plan. I’ll bounce back even stronger. But for now I’m surrendering to the grieving process and allowing myself to rest properly while I figure it all out.
So, apologies for the delay in my ‘Weekly Download’ – I just haven't had the energy to focus on anything positive until now (Now being fucking 11:50pm on Tuesday night as I’m just about to schedule this to go out lol)
Weekly Adventures
On Sunday November 3rd, I was of course back in Katoomba - this time for the ‘Blue Mountains Writers Festival’ - hosted by none other than Varuna.
I was able to meet up with some of my Varuna Alumni - Fiona, Jermy, and Wei - despite our busy schedules to chat about what we’ve all been up to since the last class of ‘The Writer’s Space’ on September 8th.
Navigating Disability
We’re all working within the disability space in one way or another so it was great to reconnect and share our experiences. We talked about the challenges of working within supposedly ‘inclusive’ environments. I openly shared my experiences as a disabled artist commissioned by CRK and Pentax Australia as part of my gig for the Pentax 17 (It’s mostly positive & something I plan to explore more in the future and share with you all!)
Being an advocate and an unexpected ‘leader’ in the disability space can become beyond exhausting. There’s so much diversity when it comes to individual needs and requirements, and creating or campaigning for truly inclusive and safe spaces that cover even the basics is a constant battle.
Fiona and I shared the difficulties of applying for government jobs in the past - as I have a Bachelors degree in Global Security and Counter Terrorism, and faced so many challenges being a female in that space, let alone someone with dynamic disabilities. Fiona faced similar challenges with her deafness and advocating for herself in spaces with job promotions available, even ones she already had an established relationship with or extensive experience to apply for.
Once you’ve ticked that box on the application process to say “Yes, I have a disability” you’re categorized and less likely to get the job - sometimes you’re completely disqualified from it. I’ve definitely faced that kind of judgement and ableism within spaces in the photography scene lately as I’ve mentioned in recent newsletters.
Fiona touched on a frustrating reality - we often have to weigh up the risks to our health and safety. Sometimes we can choose to push through for things we really want to attend, but most of the time the choice isn’t ours. And then people use that against us - questioning “But last time you did XYZ how come you can’t this time?”
There’s this unwillingness to understand us and to trust that we’re the best people to ask about our own abilities, energy levels, pain levels, or access needs instead of just assuming we can push our way through every event regardless of actual accessibility.
I’m really passionate about true inclusivity - but it’s fucking exhausting.
And I hate that I have to repeatedly put myself in harm's way, or be painted as a villain/troublemaker/”being difficult” for speaking up and pointing out how grossly inaccessible 90% of events, workshops, venues are for people like me. It shouldn’t be this hard, and yet it is… it's so disappointing. Even when I redirect people to free and accessible resources - they still expect me to do most of the heavy lifting which really affects my ability to trust people to keep me safe.
Jermy shared her experiences as she is working on a thesis based around the care - or lack thereof - for young people with deafness and hearing related disabilities. She’s been working with young people creating artworks expressing their lived experiences which she has to consolidate and fit within her research. She’s also highlighting the ongoing struggles of losing funding in your mid 20’s when things like hearing aids can cost upwards of $6-10k and rapidly become inaccessible financially.
It’s genuinely so lovely (and refreshing!) to be in a space where we could openly and respectfully discuss these really important topics, and how we’ve linked our creativity into our practices and advocacy, whether it be writing novels, thesis papers, or a mixed media art like poetry and photography.
“You Get Another Chance”
Something I hold dear to my heart is how my therapist told me in November 2022 (wow it’s been 2 years already?!) that “You get another chance” - a mantra I tearfully repeated to myself and wrote all over the place following the news when my spinal injury forced me to step back from being a bridal Hairstylist and Makeup Artist, and potentially have to stop being a Photographer in the long run if I can’t somehow fix the damage it caused.
I’ve overcome a lot in the past year alone - but again facing another major setback I keep repeating it like I used to in an attempt to prevent myself from spiraling. I was also reminded of the power of always having other pathways to follow thanks to chatting to my Varuna alumni.
Fiona shared how she wrote 100,000 words for a Crime novel she was working on - without any actual crime as she couldn’t bear to kill off her characters! She confessed she’d never read a crime book before and thought that it would be straightforward and easy - but then realized it was way harder than ever expected. It started becoming a major stress point for her.
While at a writers residency, she decided to scrap the project, shift entirely, and start a fresh project. Everyone tried to convince her to save it, telling her hat it was amazing and not worth throwing it all way - but she said that for her it was really validating and helped her realize how much she needed to completely move on from it.
If she had made that choice alone at home rather than surrounded by peers at the residency she believes she would have convinced herself to go back and push through that inner knowing that it wasn’t working out. And if she never scrapped that project, she wouldn’t be writing the kinds of novels she does today - it was meant to happen that way.
We chatted about the idea of a ‘sunk cost fallacy’, and how we can find strategies to move forward, grieve the loss, and then apply the lessons we’ve learned in situations to new and exciting projects instead - both in writing and in life.
I explained my current situation and how it felt like I’d accidentally manifested it. I’d been telling everyone (even you, dear reader!) I needed a 6 month reset to sort out my chronic stress and its impact on my Fibromyalgia, and to work on my writing project - “The Sting of a Scorpion.” Be careful what you wish for, right?!
Fiona, Jermy, and Wei all gave me helpful advice and encouragement, and permission to just fucking be angry and grieve it for now. Figuring out what the hell I’m going to do is a future Josie’s problem (sorry, not sorry!)
We all seem to share the mindset that things happen for a reason, and that it just means better things are coming. I’m holding onto that belief tightly right now and trusting the universe, spirit, god - whatever you like to call yours - will bring me something down the track that makes this mess all make sense.
Souvenir Hunting and Impulsivity
After a few hours we all had to go our separate ways. Some of us were off to go attend writing events nearby, while others had to head home. I did a little shopping for some souvenirs, and of course got myself a new Paperblanks notebook - not that I needed it!
I drove up to and wandered around the Hydro Majestic afterwards, shooting some black and white film for a change as I have waaaay too many rolls I need to start using up. I grabbed some local honey as well for my dad, who is learning to bake in his cast iron skillets for when we go camping. Each recipe he picks needs honey - so it felt right to get him the good stuff.
And, in true mentally unstable girly fashion, I dyed my hair electric blue. It looks blue-black in normal light, but it's incredibly bright in the sun!
I also finally got my Halloween nails done by none other than Jess and have decided to enter my 'villain era’. I’m going to try to cut out my people pleasing tendencies, and actually be a little bit selfish so I can properly heal and move forward from shitty situations and people. (let’s see how long that lasts though right? lol)
Other than that once I got home I wandered around the neighbourhood, and hung out in the alleyways snapping some macros of bees and wasps on film for funzies and to compare my two favourite lenses.
At some point I’ll develop those rolls of film and share my findings with you all. For now you’ll have to do with me attempting to use my “super macro” mode on my Olympus CCD Digicam. Not the most accurate little thing, but I still think it's cute.
Creative Updates
Expired Film Experiments
I've recently gotten my hands on a bunch of really cool expired film and as I’ve mentioned, I’m going back to my roots of sinking my teeth into more educational film experiments that I can then share with you all in newsletters on here!
I really missed playing with weird film and I’m so thrilled to give T-max a whirl. This one is expired from 1993, making it one year older than me (and lowkey realizing that kinda stings and makes me feel ancient…)
A few of you in the community reached out and let me know to fix for longer than most B/W films - Thanks Remi from The Darkroom Social
Andy sent through an example photo with some encouragement that shooting it at box speed would work perfectly fine - along with some other film developing tips and tricks!
Pentax 17 Adventures
I’m working on another batch of Pentax 17 photos and have had some issues with my spine again, so I have to space it out and take way more breaks than before. It makes scanning a roll from the P17 take up to an hour to do properly which isn’t super great.
I process the roll as both singles and diptychs, so there’s 112 minimum photos to scan, convert/edit and make a selection from. Often more if I prefer a certain set of diptychs rather than just scanning them in chronological order.
I’ve started to finally check out what others in the community have been doing with their Pentax 17 - and it’s so cool and inspiring to see so much happening! I’ve noticed a lot of street photography which I will be doing some more again soon in Sydney during a Sony Photowalk hosted by Clyde.
Hashem from Pushing Film has a great blog and youtube video of their experience with the P17. We got to chat a little bit about how they are finding it, and touch on the use of creative filters - which can be hard to find for the 40.5mm thread size but hopefully will start popping up more!
They also have an amazing interview with the team at Pentax which was so awesome to watch:
My own interview/podcast with C.R Kennedy Imaging along with other various bits and pieces for the Pentax 17 marketing is still rolling out and as soon as the videos go live I’ll share them here too.
My partner, Jordan, has also been shooting with the P17, and it's been fantastic to see the scans from Rewind Photo Lab. I develop my own film, but I love their high-quality prints and use them for personal projects - which I'll definitely be getting more done soon for my next one!
Behind the Scenes + Sneak Peeks!
Things are relatively quiet here at the moment, but I'm busy preparing for the next major batch of film scanning. I have over 25 rolls to process, including 8 from Unmarked, 8 from another New Face New Place event, and the rest from various Pentax 17 rolls, full frame holiday rolls, and other personal work.
I already have 9 more rolls of film waiting to be developed, which will have to happen in December at this point. I'm sure I'll have even more to go by then as I've got some cool photoshoots and events with friends lined up to attempt to end this chaotic year in a more relaxed state.
I'm also excited about a few commercial gigs that could be on the cards. I'm still negotiating and trying to be mindful of what resonates best with me, what will make me feel good, and what won't put unnecessary stress on my already overstimulated mind and body.
In February 2025, I'll be opening my books again. So, if you're a brand looking to work with me, feel free to hit me up ahead of time and I might be able to squeeze you in a little earlier. - josieonfilm@gmail.com
I'm offering some cool personal projects, including car + owner shoots, couples photography, and a few car events - these will have a straightforward application form available soon.
I'm also looking to break into a new sector of the car scene, and I can't wait to share more about it soon. It’s still early days, but it’ll be so cool once it starts to unfold!
What I'm Exploring + Weekly Recommendations
Meditation Music
As always, I need something to signal to my brain that it’s ‘go time’ when I’m writing, and today was this delightful track.
Sadboi Hours
I turn to Altered Carbon and the Blade Runner universe when I’m grieving. I’m a sucker for sulking and curling up with comfort movies, and sometimes I need a good outlet to help me cry - so these are my go to.
I’m still a little heartbroken that Altered Carbon ended up getting cancelled, season 2 ends on a juicy cliffhanger and it plays on my stupid ability to have hope even in the most fucked of situations.
Ricohflex TLR
A while ago I got the cheapest Ricohflex TLR in Aus from Ebay - and she worked for half a roll before jamming. I’ll be pulling it apart and doing a total rebuild, which I’ll of course document too.
I did however shoot a few successful photos, so I’ll share some below!
I recorded a series of reels and shot a roll of 35mm film alongside it too - which will eventually go up on Instagram as well. You can watch them here - [ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ]
Camera Repairs
I also have a fully blacked out Singlex TLS I will be doing a teardown on, along with a Singlex II, a Pentax Spotmatic, and a Pentax SV. All fully mechanical cameras that I hope to master and sort out myself.
Pentax MX and Ricoh XR1s will be getting sent off to be refurbished - I’ve done what I can but they’re sentimental cameras and I don’t want to risk damaging them by doing it myself, where as my cheaper ebay finds - which are always a risk anyways - they’re fine for me to tinker with.
If you ever want to get into camera repairs - Learn Camera Repair website has literally an entire course available and service manuals for most popular camera models.
I don’t touch electronic ones though, that’s a whole different ballgame to master and I’m not ready for that yet! Mechanical repairs for me only.
Questions of the Week
What does "inclusivity" mean to you?
Do you feel comfortable discussing inclusivity?
Would you (respectfully) ask questions to someone knowledgeable about inclusivity if given the opportunity?
What's something you'd like to learn more about that I can help you understand better?
Share your thoughts in the comments, or send me a message, and let's have a chat! :)
Josie’s Weekly Words of Wisdom…
Let. Them.
If someone doesn’t think you’re good enough and wants to leave, a client claims they ‘can’t afford you’ but brags about spending thousands on something else, a job/opportunity/boss isn't communicating expectations or compensating you fairly, a relationship or friendship feels toxic and unfulfilling, or someone wants to paint you as a villain for holding them accountable - fucking let them.
Life is too damn short to be convincing people of your value or explaining yourself to those who have already made up their mind.
Always keep receipts – you never know what someone might say to make themselves feel better, act accordingly if you feel like you have a right to call them out. Accept it for what it is, but never let them disrespect you. Let them live in their own little reality, let yourself feel your feels no matter how messy, dust yourself off and move on to better things.
They aren't worth wasting your energy on anymore, babe.
Let them, and then let ‘em go.
Thanks for tuning in!
As always, don't forget to check out my Instagram for more frequent updates, behind-the-scenes content, and video versions of these weekly check-ins!
Thank you for being part of this journey! I appreciate your support and your willingness to connect with me this week, and have our cute little catch up.
Please leave a comment, shoot me a DM, or have a chat over on Threads or Insta with me.
Till the next one,
Take care!
xoxo, Josie
