The Weekly Download - Issue 7
Screaming into the V O I D
Hey Film Fam!
Welcome to another sneak peek into what I’m doing in my little film gremlin corner of the world!
This week I’m waddling slowly into it feeling rather lost, uncertain, and processing another round of unexpected sad feels on top of the disappointments I was already facing head on.
I’m hoping soon the scales will swing and I’ll come out of this desire to retreat and isolate. I’m okay- thanks for asking - I’m always hopeful that unexpected joys will find their way through even in trying moments like this.
And soon I’ll be taking a short end of year break!
Between 20th December - 20th January I’ll be essentially offline - out there touching grass hopefully. Perhaps this break (not another actual one I hope) will come a little earlier in December. Either way, you’ll get plenty of notice.
Can you believe how quickly the new year is coming too?! Where has the time gone…
Let's dive into our weekly creative hangout! Grab your favourite drink (Water with ice for me thanks), settle in, and let's get cracking with it!
This Week in My World:
It truly feels like I’m screaming into the void and getting sweet fuck all in return… and it sucks but it seems to be a common theme lately.
A lot of smaller creators - myself included - feel like it’s kind of all for nothing. I myself put consistent effort into my craft, I share my images every 2nd - 3rd day, I make reels and spend hours of my day on making them accessible and easy to digest, I’m engaging with everyone, I’m in the DM’s, I’m promoting my work, I’ve updated my website, I’m online all the fucking time at this point - it’s basically a full time job in itself.
Today I have 1,111 (heh) followers on Instagram and I’m incredibly grateful for it. Yet still it feels like nobody sees my work, or really ‘gets’ me - and this incredible sense of loneliness has been enhanced by my inability to physically engage with the community I so love and adore. I get to watch my able-bodied friends attend all these photo walks, workshops, networking events while I sit at home staring at the screen and living vicariously through their little stories.
My harshest lesson in this life has always been to be patient, along with actually learning to look after myself and being unapologetically selfish about it (in a good way!) And when I’m faced with one of the more difficult and stressful times of year, combined with this damn broken toe which just adds more limitations on my mobility and creativity… well it’s kind of been a recipe for disaster.
I haven’t really done anything productive this past week I must confess. I had a trauma therapy session and had a bit of a breakdown and a harsh realization that I had in fact fallen into self destructive habits trying to “prove” my worth the last 6 months. I’m struggling to not blame myself for how everything spectacularly fell apart, or the harassment I let myself endure based on fruitless promises of it becoming an actual full time paying career for me.
I’m still angry and feel taken advantage of, overworked for little to no pay, and ended up just kind of lost with no direction - and a hell of a lot of FOMO as I watch everyone around me seemingly flourish and do well. Yet these same people were jealous of my life… I can’t figure out for the life of me why.
I’ve started having tough conversations on my Instagram about my experiences and publicly advocating for more Disability Accessibility within the photography space - which please, able-bodied influencers isn’t your space to headline, stop using it for clout or to tick a box.
It needs to be spoken about and lead by disabled artists - and then from there by all means share OUR resources, experiences, and invite us to collaborate with you to improve your own photo walks. Don’t simply take advantage of us yet again for brownie points. It keeps happening and it’s so heartbreaking to see.
Taking on this huge task and putting myself in the line of fire again definitely added to my fatigue. It is so soul sucking to have to constantly call out big brands for failing a whole section of the community time and time again. And to plead with everyone else to just fucking do better.
I’ve also come to the harsh realization that I’ve spent the last two years (this last year especially) trying to appear “normal” (Or in psychology terminology… as a ‘Singlet’ - a singular identity like 99% of people) and essentially deny the existence of my disabilities, and of my diagnosis of D.I.D - all while being on a wild quest to “find her” - aka, the girl that I was in 2019/2020.
‘She’ was the total opposite of what I am now and didn’t give two shits about it being obvious that I’m a bit of a weirdo and share my brain/body with a small army of alternate identities that essentially saved my life and are very much permanent and here to stay. (no matter how much I may wish otherwise at times…)
There's a lot of internalized shame I’m wrestling with, and I have a rather rough few months ahead as we begin to unpack it all. Which is honestly a shit way to end this year and start a new one - but still very ‘on brand’ for my traumatized brain.
I’ll be writing a bit more about it in the “Interlinked” section soon. That’s where all the vulnerable stuff will live. I’ve already said too much here and will no doubt have a vulnerability hangover and disappear next week… Sorry not sorry if that happens.
I personally have some end of year + new year's rituals which require me to refocus and step back from social media anyways. So it’s perfect timing really.
Creative Updates
Resetting Week 3 of TAW
I didn’t touch my journal at all and missed the whole week of exercises and I’m giving myself a bit of grace about that.
I wrote mostly about my trauma therapy session last week which was good to get it all out - tear stains included. And then I hit the usual little depressive slump and let myself be a sad bitch for a couple of days. I’m coming out the other side enough to drag myself out of it and engage with it again.
Ironically Week 3 of TAW course deals with Shame - and you better believe I rolled my fucking eyes and tossed to book angrily on my bed when I saw that. Flipped it off too. Felt like a personal attack really!
I know it’s going to be difficult for me to tackle it head on. But as always, once I start writing it’s never anywhere near as scary as I first assumed and I get into the flow state long enough to see it through. (3:33pm on the clock as I type this sentence! Angel numbers everywhere lately!)
Sewing Adventures!
It might come as a surprise that I have rather extensive dressmaking skills. I trained in authentic 1950’s dressmaking/tailoring techniques and I used to make myself the cutest dresses all the time - something I dearly miss and haven’t had time for.
I’ve decided to start sewing again - and I’m kind of spicing things up so to speak… just waiting on some materials to arrive.
At some point I’ll share more about those projects but for now I’m just lowkey overwhelmed by how much my fabric and my “to be sewn” pile has grown. I’ve decided to choose one easy dress pattern and one costume pattern and go from there. (Normally I pattern draft my own but I want to make this as straightforward as possible, so commercial patterns it is!)
I’m also doing this as part of my therapy process - I get stuck in “I can do XYZ when things are perfect” mindsets and will avoid ‘ruining’ good materials for projects until I have reached this romanticized point where I allow myself to use it.
The solution? Just make the fucking dresses - they can be taken in or re-sewn with better fabric later on anyways… jeez. *rolls eyes*
Polishing Furniture and Summer Cleaning
When I’m sad, or mad - I clean. There’s something so therapeutic about scrubbing away that helps calm me (that and I have actual OCD) - and for some reason I thought it was a brilliant idea to polish all my wood furniture because it wasn’t shiny enough for me. Not that anyone else would notice or go “Wow Josie! This bookshelf is SO lush!”
Did you know that Vaseline buffed into wood is literally the best and cheapest thing to use? It’s silky smooth, long lasting and less damaging, and shines like nothing else. That’s a little hack I picked up a decade ago when I rebuilt my Spinning Wheels (more on that another time… yes I know, my weird skills and niche hobbies are endless!)
I’m also decluttering my Spring/Summer wardrobe and donating anything that my ideal future self wouldn’t vibe with because I’m taking this ‘fake it till you make it’ phase of my healing really seriously and already acting like ‘her’ as much as I possibly can. And future Josie’s fashion sense is way better than mine currently is.
Embracing Femininity
One challenge in therapy was to start with a small singular thing to help me feel more connected to my femininity again - and it used to be doing my makeup and throwing on a fabulous outfit even if I was staying home. The thought of doing all that again made my skin crawl because I would feel SO fake and insecure right now.
So, we decided on just wearing lipstick everyday to start with. Pick one bold red lipstick (or another colour) and wear it. Even if you aren’t going anywhere, just put it on and don’t overthink it.
I’ve found it’s become a cute little habit now. I flick through my makeup collection and pick out a different lip gloss or lipstick. I stare at all the vibrant colours and all the dark greens, blues and blacks I used to wear (I am a goth girl after all) and part of me yearns for it again.
I was brave enough to wear my dark green lipstick - granted it was for only an hour or two! And yesterday while rubbing Vaseline into the furniture I had on some Fenty. Today I’ve got on a Flower Beauty lipstick and matching metallic lip gloss combo that gives me total 90’s frost vibes.
It’s been kinda fun to play with makeup again. I might just set another personal challenge to do a full glam face once a month at least, hmm…
No BTS or sneak peeks this week - Still just working away at my latest galleries! Sorry!
What I'm Exploring + Weekly Recommendations
Astrophyllite
It’s kind of a weird crystal, and hard to find - and was also my first crystal sphere I got myself years ago. I kind of neglected it and only just got back into displaying it.
Apparently it’s a deeply spiritual focused crystal that’s used to enhance meditation (I could use all the help I can get with that!) and is a magnet for synchronicities, engaging all 7 chakras of the body and opening it up for high frequency light energy. Wow, kinda cool!
Sometimes I like it, sometimes it spooks me - either way she’s really pretty and I’ve had her sitting on my desk or just been holding it in my hands for a bit here and there.
Italian Roots
If you didn’t already know - ya girl is Italian!
My mum got a huge box of tomatoes… the same day I also got a hell of a lot of tomatoes too and so I’ve been making a lot of home made sauces which I have turned the first batch into a vegan lasagna, and then thickened up the rest to make a smoky tomato soup.
I like to chuck 10+ tomatoes into an oven dish, add in a heap of black and regular garlic, a couple of onions occasionally a sweet potato, and then season it until my ancestors tell me otherwise.
Roast it for HOURS and then blend into a delicious sauce and from there you’ve got a great base to start with.
I’ll be making Amaretti again soon for Christmas - vegan style of course - and probably whip out the original recipe for the rest of the family.
I’ve always enjoyed cooking and have spent a lot of time this year learning old family recipes from my mum and her sisters - and I cannot wait for the next big family event to learn even more!
Let Yourself Be A Sad Bitch
That’s it. That’s the recommendation.
Sometimes you just gotta be a salty little shit and sulk for a bit so you can actually process it and not avoid it by drowning yourself in hyper-productivity… Yes, go put that to-do list down and grab some tissues instead!
Questions of the Week
What helps you feel better when things feel like they’re falling apart?
What’s your favourite dessert recipe that always soothes your soul?
What’s one small gentle thing you can do right now to make yourself smile even if you don’t really feel like it?
Share your thoughts in the comments, or send me a message, and let's have a chat! :)
Josie’s Weekly Words of Wisdom…
Don’t try to fit in - it’s not worth the heartache of minimizing your true self.
I’m right in the thick of it with you, on this journey to authenticity so many of us seem to be struggling with - and not the wishy washy wellness guru bullshit that gets peddled around social media with an unnecessary price tag attached - but the journey to the real deal.
I know who I am truly at the end of the day when I’m alone without fear of judgement and I can take off the mask I have to wear. And masking up isn’t always a bad thing - in fact its a crucial part of trauma recovery sometimes to put one on and go about your life safely so you can avoid getting hurt again when you’re already at rock bottom.
There’s the ‘Josie’ that everyone sees, and the one that only my closest and most trusted loved ones see - and they’re two very different people (D.I.D pun intended too IFYKYK)
But at some point lines can get blurred and you forget to take it off. You forget who the fuck you actually are without it. That’s when it gets messy and a desire yet fear of being seen grows into a thorn in your side.
It’s time to dig it out and let the wound heal properly.
Yes, it’s incredibly scary to show up as who you truly are underneath all the social conditioning and the borrowed bits of personality traits from people you want to emulate till you feel confident to raw dog the world - and sure you may battle with the fear of losing friends, or being mistreated, or being judged.
But sometimes you gotta fucking burn bridges to clear the way.
Make some room for the people who are going to genuinely appreciate you, exactly for who you truly are, and are going to cheer you on for shining bright and being unafraid to do so.
You’re not alone in this either - we’re in it together, yeah?
Thanks for tuning in!
As always, don't forget to check out my Instagram for more frequent updates, behind-the-scenes content, and video versions of these weekly check-ins!
Thank you for being part of this journey! I appreciate your support and your willingness to connect with me this week, and have our cute little catch up.
Please leave a comment, shoot me a DM, or have a chat over on Threads or Insta with me.
Till the next one,
Take care!
xoxo, Josie
