Hey Film Fam, welcome back!
How are you doing? I’m currently sitting at my PC with a lost voice and shivering/sniffling away - the unfortunate side effects of my terrible immune system not coping with a cold snap followed by a heat wave, only to be hit with another winter-like cold snap again, ugh!
Wherever you are, I hope you’re as snug as a bug in a rug as you’re reading this - perhaps curled up with a hot cup of herbal tea with some gorgeous morning sunlight hitting your skin, soaking up that Vitamin D - or maybe you’re doom-scrolling in bed and dreading to start the day… Either way, I’m really glad you’re here!
For a quick little update - I’ve posted my first paid subscription newsletter that gets into all the nitty gritty details of shooting Cinefilm (and film in general) under difficult indoor lighting, some of the bigger challenges I faced, and tips + tricks on how to avoid the most common mistakes you can make!
I’ve also decided to try to change up the way I do newsletters, shake it up a little as 2024 rapidly approaches and I find myself wanting to expand.
Here’s what you can expect:
My new FREE series is called ‘Through My Viewfinder’ and will be storytelling of my 35mm Film adventures, with a focus on emotional connection while integrating some of my poetry work as well.
I will still have occasional free educational newsletters - such as recaps of content events, current film news, new camera gear or repairs I’m doing, film resources, etc. These will be more casual and much shorter.
More in depth and loooooong blogs that are full of all the technical info you’d ever want or need to know about learning specific film techniques - these will be a 1-2x monthly paid subscriber newsletter.
‘Behind The Scenes’ of client work and ‘First Look’ content will be split between some free and paid newsletters here on my Substack, and after approx 1-2 weeks the images will appear on my other websites.
As always these newsletters will still have the vibe of catching up with that one friend you haven’t seen in a while who’s just very passionate about all things film. So if that’s your kind of jam, you’re in the right place!
So, without further ado - let’s get into my first newsletter of this new series shall we?
So I did the thing I kept harping on about..
Finally, amiright?!
Taking action after a period of being frozen in fear and indecision is kind of a weird feeling. I’ve had so many setbacks and let things keep me stagnant and well, kind of miserable if I’m being completely honest.
It’s been a bloody rough year for me, and I know everyone is feeling the pressure in one way or another which just kept adding to my guilt of needing to ‘get away’ from it all. I just couldn’t seem to catch a break, and everything appeared to be on that edge of collapse.
So I did what I should have done a long ass time ago, packed some shit in my car, grabbed a camera and some film, and went on a solo road trip in an attempt to unfuck this funk I was in.
There’s this feeling I keep having - and it’s as if I ‘left myself behind’ somewhere and I keep looking for her - the girl I used to be; the fearless one who just took action and worried about consequences later. Obviously I have grown significantly since then, but this one quality I adored about myself - ourself - seems to evade me and I feel like she still has it within her grasp, hidden somewhere in plain sight.
I find the ghost of her in so many things that I do, but every time I return to the mountains and breathe in that icy cold air - it’s like she’s finally coming back to me in a way. Fragmented and kind of messy, but it feels a lot like closure all the same.
I find a piece of her everywhere I go, maybe that’s why I’m always desperate to be on the road. Her spirit taunts me, her dreams and goals I still carry but can’t seem to achieve the right way…. [An excerpt from a poem written in Undercurrent by Josie Goris - September 23rd, 2023]
I really wanted to go to an off road lookout that is hands down one of the most fun lower mountains locations to get to - it’s about 30km of dirt road and you have zero reception so it’s necessary that if anything were to happen for the most part you can be self sufficient until help arrives.
It’s an easy introduction to 4WDing if you’ve never done it - but I was a little too out of my element, talked myself out of doing it alone and instead went exploring some other unknown dirt tracks (that were still within reception range!) only to come to a dead end - this became my first photo destination. Somewhere halfway along Kings Tableland Road.
I texted my family to let then know where I ended up - with them of course encouraging me to go ahead and press on, that my big beast will tackle any off-road track as she’s designed for it - but instead I decided to keep driving further up the Blue Mountains.
I got back onto the main roads and began making my way up to Lawson where I stopped in for a little break, and continued through the winding mountains, letting my heart lead on towards wherever it decided to take me.
Hydro Majestic
This is a classic and rather iconic location in the Blue Mountains - one I visited often many years ago, and is somewhere I definitely plan to regularly come back to. It makes a great stopping point for much longer roadtrips, especially if you decide to head out towards Oberon or Bathurst.
I spent way too long snapping photos of the mountains surrounding it, as the view is gorgeous as soon as you pull up. I spent equally as long inside the gift shop - roaming around, window shopping, and trying to take some film photos indoors with the worst possible choice film and no flash available.
I spotted a mirror and quickly looked around sheepishly before managing to take a decent mirror selfie. I actually want to do this more often, sneak one on each roll of film I shoot. I think it would be a fun way to document my own involvement in my art, and who doesn’t love a good film selfie?
I kind of felt compelled to purchase something so it didn’t look so awkward with me roaming around for so damn long with my camera out. I settled on some mango hard candies and a small jar of vanilla honey - souvenirs to bring home that were simple and useful.
I continued on, searching the grounds and waiting for crowds of people to leave the dirty and forgotten tennis courts so I could sneak past the gates and get in where most people are too afraid to try.
I took the shot above before I pretended to be taking more photos of trees and the little motorized lawn mower while I eaves dropped hotel guests talking way too loudly about ‘but what if we get caught? No - we shouldn’t… let’s just go’ - but alas unlike them I am a girl of the mountains and have always known and been told by other locals who have done the same that you must walk right in and act like you’re meant to be there.
The staff will not care as they’re used to it and there’s no security around anyway - so as long as you aren’t being suspicious and acting like your ass is about to get yelled at, nobody questions it!
Here I got my second glimpse of a past self - full of pride and a little bit of adrenaline at ‘trespassing’ (not really) and soaking in every inch of the glorious view that you just can’t get anywhere else at the Hydro Majestic.
I could almost see her here again. I swear I felt her too. It was like I caught a whiff of the scent of her freshly washed, short raspberry coloured hair as it whipped around in the wind. See her little red backpack perched up high on her shoulder blades as she crouched low next to the old stone railings while pulling faces for the camera. I could almost hear the delightful tone ring through my ears as I remembered her giggling at herself in delight.
It was the most bizarre and yet comforting feeling - kind of like when you try to make new memories at your favourite place after dumping that one toxic ex and vowing to not visit the spot again until it no longer feels ruined and you can reclaim it; calling back all the fragments of the past to breathe brand new life into it.
Except in this scenario there’s no toxic ex this time around that is haunting me - it’s just me chasing the me I used to be, the one I romanticize waaaay too much and probably need to get go of gracefully.
Still, it was nice to come back here. It felt like a puzzle piece clicked into place… at least for a moment.
What I mean to say is that I’m obsessed with the search for her. I look endlessly, every day, I make myself sick over it and try to embody her in any way I can.
And still, despite my best efforts - I can’t get her back no matter how hard I try… [An excerpt from a poem written in Undercurrent by Josie Goris - September 23rd, 2023]
I grabbed some great photos just wandering around pretending like I was a hotel guest trying to make that feeling of ‘finding pieces of myself again’ last. It truly is surprising what you can get away with in public spaces if you just walk around with an air of confidence!
I plan on coming back with a different lens instead of a wide 28mm, some 50 - 100 ISO film stock, and maybe a different time of day as well - most of my shots have a bit of a golden haze across them and lens flares because of the filter I used as well. It can cause the meter to read things a little wacky too. I’m trying to remind myself that these images I didn’t need accuracy, nor should I particularly care for ‘technically perfect’ images like with client work.
I honestly wasn’t really thinking much when I took any of these. It was simple muscle memory of pointing and shooting as I tried to capture memories rather than a specific curated image that would ‘look good’ on a platform.
I also made the conscious choice to try to capture more horizontal images and utilize as much of the frame as possible. So that made things fun!
Mount Blackheath
I decided to pull into the iconic Mount Blackheath lookout after spending way to long wandering around Hydro Majestic and realized I had better start making my way back down the mountain before sunset.
I was immediately hit by the memory of last being here years ago where I was acting like an absolute fool rolling around on the fake green grass where the paragliders are supposed to take off from.
I was only just getting my spark back after a really rough patch and feeling like I had lost all the important people in my life, my (then) dream career of being a locally performing poet blew up in my face when the group disbanded. I had found myself isolated and starting over again well before the dreaded pandemic hit and these feelings got much worse.
Still something within me kept clinging onto hope and pushed through all the discomfort, and I was on a mission of purposefully finding ways to cultivate fun and a sense of playfulness in amongst the chaos and uncertainty.
That moment was the first time in a long while that I had felt genuine happiness and joy. A feeling I know is fleeting and isn’t meant to last, but one I will always chase until the ends of the earth in a bid to make it permanent.
I stopped not far from the launch pad for lunch and found my chest getting heavy with mixed feelings. A sense of reclamation and reconnection being a few of them. I was overwhelmed with this joy I had missed and the relaxation that comes with being on a road trip - as well as this weird grief that kept following me around all day like a looming shadow.
I kept trying to pull it out of me but it wasn’t budging - I was still resisting. It wasn’t the right time to let myself feel it in its entirety just yet. I knew from past experiences (and bloody 7+ years in trauma therapy!) to not push it - if it’s meant to be felt it’ll demand it.
Still I felt it bubbling away, my anxiety peaked and I couldn’t sit still overthinking and feeling sorry for myself any longer. So I packed up my lunch box and moved on to the next destination hoping to keep driving until something eventually clicked…
Point Pilcher
By this point of the day I knew the sun was setting really soon and I was running out of time to safely navigate certain areas of the Blue Mountains. I decided I’d have to come back another day where I could travel much further up towards more isolated rural towns.
I sent a photo of myself and my car up at Blackheath to check in with family once more and my Dad shot another message back suggesting a specific lookout. It was 40 minutes out of my way but still vaguely on the way down the Mountains - I decided fuck it, might as well while I’m up here!
Unfortunately when I got there I had ran out of film as I only took two rolls in an attempt to limit myself and stay in the present moment, rather than get obsessed with the process of taking snapshots.
So I sat quietly all alone while I looked out over the valley, and let myself feel it all. It hit me suddenly - like when you’ve just gotten some bubble gum for the first time and finally learned how to blow bubbles with it, only for it to pop in your face and make you jump out of shock. If I was standing it might have just knocked me on my ass. Waves and waves of mixed feelings of grief, relief, and a deep yearning rolled into one.
Underneath it all, it just felt so… right. Being up here in the Mountains again. Being here alone and doing things purely for myself. The entire trip in general felt like a breath of fresh air while cruising around in my GQ that I waited so damn long for and spent so much time building up towards - this was it.
I had finally started doing some of the things I promised my younger self we’d eventually achieve despite our shitty circumstances. I hope wherever she is, that she’s proud of me - of us.
The descent back home
I slowly made the somewhat long drive down the mountain, now stuck in peak hour traffic as the sun was disappearing and everyone had the same idea to get home. I did have a bit of a cry at this point I must admit. Playing my old playlist and singing along without a care in the world only added to the overwhelming exhaustion that came over me.
I got home, smiling and feeling like this nagging feeling in my chest was finally soothed - at least for now. It was arguably the best night sleep I’ve had in a while too which was a nice bonus.
And yes, I’m aware this was only the first step I had to tackle in my quest to get my spark back - call it kindling even. But that’s all that’s needed to set a fire off in your soul again.
What comes next is a proper camping trip, as well as another drive up to Katoomba to catch up with a dear friend of mine I haven’t seen since my early twenties. And from there, I have a bucket list I plan to start ticking off.
If there’s one thing I learned about this trip, it’s this:
If there’s something your heart and soul is calling you to do - whether that be something as dramatic as my healing journey, or perhaps its more practical like taking a new direction in your photography practice, starting to charge people for your time and skills, becoming an educator, or heck just deciding to snap cool photo and share yourself with the world simply because it brings you joy - then please listen to it.
Take that first step even if it’s bloody terrifying. The view on the other side of that fear is goddamn beautiful, and I want you to be able to see and feel it too.
See you next time!
Thanks for tuning into this first installment of ‘Through My Viewfinder’ - please leave a comment and let me know if you enjoyed reading this new style of ‘show and tell’ newsletters!
The next newsletter will be a ‘film news’ style one focusing on what I’ve been up to (I broke my rule of no new cameras and rescued another Ricoh oops) and a look at some recent portraits from an amazing creator event I attended. I should also have fresh new photos from some really exciting projects I have lined up - so those first looks will be in a separate newsletter for upgraded subscribers too!
Oh - I also wanted to make a mini announcement here! I’ll be hosting some FREE events where fellow creatives can catch up, hang out, and maybe even have a chance to snap some cool content for portfolio use.
It’s super important to me that I keep providing an inclusive and accessible space - even as I try to pivot towards being compensated for my hard work and unique skill set as a 35mm Film Specialist.
So in saying that - if you’re in the Blue Mountains, South Coast, or wider Sydney area, keep an eye out on my Instagram for more info about these upcoming events! It’ll be kicking off really soon!
Until the next roll, take care!
xoxo, Josie