Through My Viewfinder - Issue #3
Getting tossed around inside Scorpion and frolicking in a Sunflower Field!
New Year, New Me? Don’t know her… yet.
So as I mentioned in my little catch up newsletter - ya girl had a bad case of The Big Sad, you know - the good ol’ depresh sesh, whatever you want to call it. I ended 2023 year in tears and started 2024 the same way if I’m being completely honest.
New Years tends to be stressful and sucky anyways, but this one took the cake. I was determined to turn everything around and was frankly sick of being a sad sack - especially as I wasn’t even making my own wellbeing a priority which is how I got in this situation. I had cast myself aside and compromised so much (classic people pleaser behaviours lol) I felt like I was a shell of who I once was - and you all know how much I’ve been “searching for my old self” lately. So it comes as no surprise that things kinda spiraled for a bit there… oops.
I knew I had to shake things up to get out of this funk I was stuck in. I started putting my foot down and actually got back to the things I truly value and enjoy. I admitted that I needed time to fumble through the pieces and figure out what I can do to reset it and get back to a healthy baseline. And one of the best ways for me to process my feelings as well as have that space to reconnect and ground myself is to go out 4WDing and get gloriously lost in the bush somewhere.
I need to be left the fuck alone sometimes - and I know some people may find that insulting or even like I’m shutting everyone out - but I need that space to just be left to sort it out on my own. I don’t need anyone to ‘fix’ me on my behalf. I prefer to find clarity my own way.
I’ve come to learn that what I need is to cultivate a space for just me, nobody else. I promise I’ll come out the other end refreshed and full of zest again. Especially as I’ve always known that I thrive in being alone - I crave it! I need that time and space on a regular basis and have discovered that every few weeks I simply need to pack my car and go on a long drive to nowhere in particular so I can feel grounded and reconnected to my own heart.
Getting Dusty
One of the things that is probably obvious by now is that I am utterly obsessed with romanticizing the outdoors. I adore long road trips - even if my body doesn’t - and I’m always looking for a good excuse to slowly crawl up the Blue Mountains again and again.
Last year I ventured out near King Tablelands Road and chickened out - convinced that I wouldn’t be able to handle some off-roading by myself. Scorpion my GQ Patrol is essentially a pavement princess - the idea of damaging her, scratching the paint, or god forbid rolling the fucking car, it all kind of haunts me.
You can check out the first issue of ‘Through My Viewfinder’ to see how that went -
Anyways, I finally worked up the courage to go solo off-road and it was an absolute blast!
McMahons Point is easily one of my favourite tracks to go on. It’s a 30km dirt track - and arguably a sedan can in fact stumble through the area - but it’s best to go in a 4WD. You don’t even need to engage 4WD mode which is nice, and can just coast along the corrugations... Unless you’re me of course. Be prepared as well for the insane dust clouds behind you if you go during a dry season, and keep your windows up!
Right before you enter the beginning of the track there’s plenty of space where people tend to pull over and setup for a little lunch break. The giant trees and bushland is almost overwhelming even though the area was ravaged by fires in 2019. You can still see remnants of the scarred land as you travel through the area, although luckily most of the bush has regrown.
You’ll notice Scorpion still has her Christmas Tinsel on - it was the 2nd January and the final day I left the decorations on the car. I wanted to get some cute photos and do one last drive before I cut all the tinsel off and she went back to normal. I think she looks super cute!
Once I started down the dirt track, I had a huge smile on my face - till the road started getting really bumpy and I realized I was in for a rougher ride than expected.
Scorpion still has her original 32 year old suspension. It’s not entirely comfortable as you can imagine. You get bounced around the inside of the car and even my Brother on occasions has said he’s looked in the rearview mirror to watch me get ‘thrashed’ around in the cab going over simple obstacles. Soon that’ll change… but for now I will continue to go on easier tracks where it doesn’t matter as much. I will say that by the end of that 30km drive - which can take up to an hour to do - my arms felt funny from the constant vibrations.
Despite this I had so much fun! There were quite a few 4WDs on the track that day as its a popular scenic location. I was waved through by another driver which was lovely of them to let my giant lunchbox squeeze past them.
When I got to the end there were a few people occupying picnic tables and others hiking around. I ran into the guy who let me past and we got to chatting about the old rig. He had an 80 series Landcruiser himself that he was building up and asked me all sorts of questions about my lighting setup as he was in the market for some new LED lights. We spent a solid 15 minutes chatting away before he headed off to one of the lookouts, and I settled in for a little snack.
Exploring Lookouts
I snapped a few more photos here before wandering into the woods myself. It was overcast and pretty humid but I enjoyed the short winding walk to the cliff edges. There’s several spots as you walk through were damaged the most and still haven’t quite recovered - picnic tables haven’t been replaced in some areas either - and other spots the bush had rapidly overgrown and almost swallowed the path.
It was gorgeous! I am a little scared of heights though and always have an irrational fear of ‘oh god what if I fall off the edge?!’ so I stayed well away and snapped photos quickly before retreating to more solid ground.
I loved the winding pathway and there was a set of branches that made a natural arch that I found really interesting. The last two photos of the roll were overlaid - it’s something my Ricoh KR-10 Super sometimes does (mostly if I force the last frame oops..) and I kind of love how it turned out!
I caught up to the kind stranger and his family again and watched him fly his drone - a new Christmas present - while I just took in the view around us. I had run out of film at this point and didn’t bring another roll, it was tucked away inside the car. That was my bad for forgetting I only had 24 frames instead of the usual 36. So I’m sorry that I can’t show you the beautiful landscape - perhaps you’ll have to check it out in person yourself!
By the time I got back to the car a storm was rolling in, so I quickly had a second little snack and headed off home for the day - another glorious 30kms back with my GQ becoming a giant massage chair the entire way. I remembered to stop at another little point of interest on the way out and grabbed a few more photos of Scorpion and her cute tinsel.
Throughout the drive I was able to let feelings bubble up and be released, and then was happily distracted by the joy and freedom I was experiencing as well. I had a smile on my face the entire time and felt the lightest I had in weeks.
This was what I needed. Time alone to process. Time to figure out what I really wanted for myself and my life moving forward. Time to reconnect with parts of me that had been suppressed or felt like they were ‘missing’ again.
I made a vow to myself that I would make the effort every 2-4 weeks to pick a random day, pack my car and just… go. Anywhere my heart takes me. And to not apologize to anyone for needing to do so.
'The ways in which I stay'
- by Josie Goris, Written in Undercurrent - January 6th 2024
I groaned along with the inflexibility of thirty year old suspension rattling down corrugated roads, dust kicking up in my rear view mirror.
A stranger pulls to the side and waves me past, only to catch up at the end - gleaming smile - just to tell me he loved watching this old steel shell rumbling past.
How you don’t see that as often anymore - what a gift of rarity - ranting about how not everyone is willing to put up with the potential breaking of parts, the searching for replacements, the endless quest for more.
I get what he means even as his wife rolls her eyes and walks away.
I indulged in pushing my body despite the pain, ignoring that nagging pull in my hip, the migraine warning lingering, hoping that I’m not in bed again hugging a plastic green bucket like my life depends on it for comfort, for catching the sickness just in case.
Convince myself to keep putting foot in front of the other, ignoring the giving out of a knee and needing to steady myself, or the way my shoulders rounded forward, making me smaller, the tension rising.
I’m determined to see a bush walk through, the clanging of my emotional support water bottle, my film camera smashing against it - forget the panic over new scratches, it just proves I left the house and used it for once - the heaviness of it all carries me towards the endless forest trail in hopes of finding something worthwhile on the other side.
I argue with myself - just a little further, it’s out there I swear
Don’t turn back yet...
I guess what I’m trying to say to you is that none of it is worth it,
and yet all of it is.
You don’t need to understand but I know there’s a voice tucked away under your ribcage, just to the right of your heart that’s poking and prodding with each ache as if to say I’m right.
I can’t explain to you how either.
I’m well aware that I could have left
That I tried to once before in all the ways one could fade away, and maybe you would have by now too.
You’re questioning why I haven’t - not thinking maybe I do want to, maybe I already planned it, or maybe I decided the abandonment is another waste of time.
All I know right now is - I plan to find answers in the staying.
Post Adventure Realizations and Making New Routines
The day following that road trip I began a ‘challenge’ which I spoke about in more detail in my previous newsletter - so I won’t bore you again with it here.
But essentially it was the permission I needed to give myself over the following 30 days to create healthier routines. It’s been really important for me to create little daily rituals that are sustainable and help me feel less overwhelmed so I can unwind and have “me” time.
Doing so means I now have set ‘DND’ times on my phone and totally disconnect - and I’m only reachable via a proper phone call if there’s an emergency. This was something I once felt guilty about but the more I practice it, the more I realize it's a kindness to my own mental health, and allows me to show up more wholeheartedly during the day.
We’re all so used to having access socially 24/7 - but it’s not healthy and it's really unfair to expect someone's attention and energy all the time. Plus I’m already in a space where my attention is constantly pulled from what I need to do, I’m always sacrificing and compromising for others - even if they don’t give me that same energy in return (that’s something else I’m working on!). People in my life ‘need’ me all the time - and if I don’t have some kind of boundaries in place then I end up resentful, drained, and frankly become a cranky little bitch about how stretched thin I am.
Sure, not everyone has been happy with me reclaiming my energy and space, but frankly I don’t care about soothing their bruised egos anymore. I can’t pour from an empty cup - and mine had been drained dry for quite some time!
I promise I’ll check your messages in the morning, I’ll giggle at your memes, snapchat you the latest hot gossip, and video call you when I have the capacity and energy - but only after I’ve made the time to unwind and had a good night's sleep.
I’ve stopped waiting for people in my life to ‘have the time’ to join me on my little adventures as well. I spent years holding myself back because I never wanted anyone to feel left behind - but in doing so I was leaving my own growth behind. I’m still navigating the grief of that realization and the anger I have towards myself for ‘wasting’ my time waiting on others who were never going to show up - ouch.
So now I take myself. I will invite people, sure, but its either a “Fuck yes, lets do it!” or you get the hell out of my way and let me go - and you can sit in your FOMO and kick rocks for all I care.
When I get the call to return to the wild - I’m going. No matter what.
Frolicking in a Sunflower Field
I got lucky with multiple trips in January, and the other one I adored was the Sunflower Field.
Okay I’ll confess - it’s just a little flower farm on someone's property, and I did end up going on the second last day of the season so most of the flowers were picked and it was looking a little worn down - but I still had fun! It was something I wanted to do for a while, I wanted to go there as a romantic date and got sick of waiting for it to happen so I took myself instead.
It was probably the most humid day and I struggled immensely. It was not disability accessible at all like I thought it would be, I was absolutely drenched in sweat within 10 minutes, I ended up getting hay fever and was itchy from frolicking in the sunflowers, my DSLR didn’t want to work, my Film shots were ehhh, and then it started to rain! Ahh! It was not my day!
All that aside - I got to capture some gorgeous little bees on a giant Sunflower and I made the most of it while I was there. I wish I had a 50mm lens with me instead of my 28mm but that’s okay - I managed to get some good shots at least.
I didn’t stay for too long, and I originally planned to go back to the car, drop my camera off and then go back and cut some fresh Sunflowers - but the weather changed dramatically and I just got back in time. I watched so many people running for cover and getting absolutely drenched.
From there I kind of just drove for the sake of going on a longer road trip. I wasn’t ready to go home yet. I didn’t pick any particular spot either, I simply crawled along the mountain roads until I found a rest stop to have a snack, and then continued on until I saw another sign for a lookout and hiking track.
I can’t tell you exactly where this was - somewhere about 30 minutes from Lithgow - but it was dead silent and beautiful. Exactly what I love the most about the Mountains. The fresh air, hearing nothing but the birds and rustling of the trees in the wind.
And it’s just you with your trusty 4WD in a little picnic area in the middle of nowhere with fuck all reception - and your rattling thoughts!
There was this spot I hope to go back and explore next time. A little parking area followed by some rocks leading up and over a mountain - but again the weather was terrible so I didn’t pull into it on the way out of the area.
The drive home was kind of miserable, one of the worst storms I’ve driven through in quite some time. But at the end of the day I had fun and got out even if it didn’t exactly live up to my expectations and was the worst day to go out and about.
'Losing Pieces'
- by Josie Goris, Written in Undercurrent - January 27th 2024
Somewhere hidden deep in the mountains, out by the cliff edge, there is a glimmer - a small sparkling of what once was, a ghostly reminder dangling just out of reach.
Another is tucked behind the now abandoned juice shop, where it would shimmer in the warm midday sun.
A few more are sprinkled here and there along the ocean's edge, near the lighthouse, and the sandy shore under a waxing moon.
What I mean to say is, there are pieces of me missing all over the place,
A love letter placed in a bottle - immediately washed ashore, but it wasn’t sealed right and everything was ruined once retrieved so another attempt couldn’t be made.
The smell of a burnt out clutch on the side of the road - and the tow truck that followed.
That time I called and you didn’t pick up, straight to voicemail.
Another where I was left behind to find my own way home in the middle of the night.
That time I was climbing around the engine bay of a dirty diesel with both hands desperately trying to put a small hose at the back of the engine so the cab stops filling with fumes - and failing.
Sometimes I find shards of it inside my own chest when the grief hits, usually when everyone else is tucked away in their beds and nobody needs something from me.
Occasionally it’s hidden inside the internal gears of a neglected camera but I can’t quite reach it so I can only pray that when it’s back together it doesn’t cause a jam.
What I mean to say is, every time I purposely get lost in the forest I’m trying to recall where I left it - all of them.
The impossibility of being whole again.
Haven’t quite accepted that this fragmentation isn’t always a bad thing.
Still, you’ll find me there on a dirt road leading nowhere, hands scrubbing along the ground in desperation.
Because I can’t help but wonder what I’d be - or rather who,
if I could stop this endless loss.
If there’s one thing I learned about this trip, it’s this:
It’s not selfish to prioritize yourself - your goals, dreams, happiness, values, boundaries, you name it! - especially when you realize that’s already what everyone else is doing anyways!!!
For the longest time I thought it was cruel and selfish to look after myself and put my wellbeing and needs first. I used to get really defensive whenever I was told I needed to stop pleasing others, stop sacrificing and compromising. I have a lot of trauma I survived and most of it comes with the belief that I am always ‘less than’ or not as important as others. But that’s not true.
I’m learning to give myself grace, to actually recognize my talents and passions, to celebrate my achievements, to be kinder and more patient. I need to give myself the things I unconditionally give others. And sometimes I need to come first - especially when it's been made clear that I’m not anyone else's first choice/priority. It’s a sucky realization that I’ve been abandoning myself again to make others like me more, or to make their life a little ‘easier’.
I feel like it’s taken me years to get to this point to find the strength to act accordingly. I think I’ve been afraid of being seen as ‘cold’ even though it's entirely out of my control what others may or may not view me as.
My dear friend and poetry mentor Des kind of woke me up to this too throughout January in the weekly classes I take with the gorgeous Undercurrent community she’s built.
In class she mentioned a few times - ‘You get to decide who you’re accountable to and who you aren’t.’ and the idea of ‘Consenting to learn in public’. And while yes these are more so writer's terms and in particular terms from the poetry scene - I’ve been able to adapt it to everyday life as well.
I’m accountable to myself first and foremost, and from there it’s my loved ones, and from there... No one else really, and certainly not to total strangers who’s opinions shouldn’t matter all that much. I’m not obligated to adjust who I am or tone myself down to be more palatable for anyone… So why am I trying so hard to be easily digestible? To be a ‘good’ woman, a ‘good’ survivor? Someone who doesn’t rock the boat? Why was I trying so hard to be less than my whole self? When did I decide that I was too much, and yet not enough?
These are things I’m still navigating and grappling with, but am in a much better place now in March than I was in January thanks to having time (and some fun adventures) to process it all and really let myself unpack it.
I’m also in love with the concept of ‘consenting to learn in public’ which goes heavily against my perfectionist tendencies or my previous desire to curate this perfect persona and be exactly what people expect me to be. I’m learning to have fun without having all the answers. I put out work now that isn’t entirely “professional” or from a paid gig, and I have gotten rid of the idea of having everything look like a top notch portfolio all the time. Heck, all the photos in this newsletter were half assed cropped and barely edited. I didn’t spend a whole week on them like I usually do! Go me!
I’m giving myself the space to be a fucking human. And I’m reclaiming the energy I kept giving away in search of external validation from people who can’t give me what I’m looking for - because the answers are within me.
It just took a few road trips and time away from all the noise to figure that out… but that’s kind of typical isn’t it? I’d love to know if you feel the same way at all or had similar experiences.
See you next time!
Thanks for tuning into this instalment of ‘Through My Viewfinder’ - please leave a comment and let me know if you enjoyed reading this even though it got a little heavy at some points!
Coming soon:
Official release of a very big secret project I’ve been silently working away on throughout February and March! Including a first look at some really cool photography gear that I just know some of you would bloody adore!
A paid educational newsletter featuring some kickass portraits I shot at Port Kembla and outside of 7/11 with my wonderful friend Mel - I used Ultramax pushed to 800 + some yummy 200T and 250D - In this newsletter I’ll deep dive into all the technical aspects everyone wants to know about shooting film at night with ambient + artificial lighting!
Through My Viewfinder #4 - Featuring test shots from Port Kembla and my official Film Photography Workshop announcement for April - yay, finally!
There’s so much cool educational content coming super soon alongside some BIG announcements - and yes I will continue to have some FREE content, and occasional freebie educational goodies amongst the paid newsletters.
P.S -
My next 35mm Film workshop will be mid/late April at Port Botany in Sydney, NSW - limited to just 5 spots! Tickets will be released at the end of March, so don’t miss out! There will be an announcement over here and on my IG once they go live.
And if you can’t afford it or the date doesn’t work for you, don’t stress! In August or September I’ll be doing a fun themed event where fellow creatives can catch up, hang out, and get a chance to snap some cool content for portfolio use.
It’s super important to me that I keep providing an inclusive and accessible space - even as I try to pivot towards being compensated for my hard work and unique skill set as a 35mm Film Specialist.
If you love what I do, you can upgrade to be a paid subscriber, or if you’d just love to chuck a few dollarydoos my way to help support my ongoing art, you can donate directly HERE.
And as always, there’s no obligation to do so if you’re just hanging out for the free goodies!
So in saying that - if you’re in the Blue Mountains, South Coast, or wider Sydney area and want to get in contact with me, whether to book a shoot, book a mentorship, or get more info for my creative workshops and events - you can catch me over on my Instagram.
Until the next roll, take care!
xoxo, Josie