When Bravery Seeks You Out
Josie's Midweek Musings - Issue 1
I’m constantly learning what it is to be brave.
Part of me always believed that it was unattainable being a victim and survivor of trauma.
This is something that becomes ingrained in us regardless if its a ‘little t’ or ‘Big T’ kind of trauma. Shame and a desire to be silent seeps into every crack and crevice and beckons us to stay small - where there’s more chance to avoid further hurt. Because of this, the thought of confronting my biggest fears, or speaking up and eradicating the shame I was living with seemed too big a task for a long time.
I’ve been in trauma recovery for the better part of 10+ years, and it’s an endless cycle of realizations and finding out that you’ll only be ready to face the next thing when your entire being trusts it’ll find a soft place to land.
Recently a good friend Dianne told me that the hardest thing is putting ourselves first, especially if we’re entwining our value as women with our business and success - I had to agree with her, given my current experiences.
She offered me such great advice and encouraged me to continue being brave and smashing barriers that otherwise would have normally held me back. That I needed to be okay with failure or walking away if it means holding true to my vision and staying in integrity with my desires and goals.
Finding bravery was the only way forward
I had to seek it out and trust in it once again, especially while dealing with backlash from becoming the Australian Pentax 17 Ambassador.
As I’ve spoken about more extensively before - I faced an onslaught of petty jealousies and unhinged rumours that targeted my work and who I am as a person, as a super niched artist, and criticized me (and Pentax) for not choosing someone they thought was ‘different’ enough.Â
Which I realize now down the track (and several therapy sessions later) was more of a reflection of a bunch of strangers' (and now ex-friends’) over entitled suggestion that they felt that they were the better choice. Rather than being thrilled that a disabled, multifaceted artist was chosen over what most brands tend to go for — the typical, popular, able-bodied, generic influencer that doesn’t have the same niche skill set or obsessive passion.
Something I proved ten times over that I had, and was the right person for.
Bravery found me again when some truly disgusting things were said to my face and I had to push my way through an event and stay in my strength, and to keep my promise to myself of showing up no matter what someone says.
Sure, I was pissed and wanted to break down and cry angrily about it, or have a total shut down. Instead I kept my composure and tried to let it slide off me - but I also made sure to bring up the inappropriateness and how I won't tolerate that shit again.
And it found me even just a week ago when making some major life choices for my trauma recovery and saying I was finally ready to take that next step. That I was ready to yet again dive back into the past, uncover all the bullshit - hopefully for the final time - re-examine and truly heal from it all.
It’s been really really heavy. It's been exhausting, and I’m truthfully struggling to maintain the cool, calm ‘film gremlin’ facade I have upheld so far despite it all. It’s also been a harsh but welcome lesson in self-compassion and in giving myself the same love and respect I so easily give others.
I’ve started letting people in more, let them see the real me - like you now, dear reader - and trusting the people who are meant to get me will appreciate my generosity, and those who don’t will just move on till they find someone who clicks.
I’m okay with not being chosen, with walking away, with standing up for what I believe is fair and seeking justice for myself. I’m okay with being seen as a ‘fucking nobody’ or a ‘bitch’ for doing so, or for (mostly insecure men and women) to feel threatened by my newfound confidence and the sheer fucking audacity coursing through me now.
I’m brave for simply showing up every day and not backing down, even though sometimes (okay, a lot of the time!) I want to give up entirely.
Today, I practiced Bravery by facing one of my biggest fears…
I went to the Dentist for the first time in years. And I know that may sound lame, but I have had some legit and serious trauma relating to medical issues since I was a child. Still, I have found such self trust and strength in knowing I can handle unimaginable and fucked up trauma - therefore I am capable of learning to handle the easy stuff.
I went ahead and showed up to the appointment… Alone - something else I’ve never done.
I even advocated for myself and shared my experience living with Complex PTSD and other disabilities.
I set my boundaries and let them know what I needed. I created a safe space for me to cry and freak out uncontrollably, to dissociate out of my mind if need be, and for them to know how to help.
I did the hard fucking stuff I was terrified of - and I got through it. I know now that I will get through it again next week when I face an even bigger fear of getting more intense work done.
I walked out of the dentist’s office proud - and yes, drenched in sweat from anxiety and shaking the whole time - but successful in achieving something I once thought so terrible I was willing to risk my health and wellbeing to avoid it altogether.
I think I’ll go back regularly. And for me, that relief and feeling safe enough to go back if I need to - that’s enough of a sign that I made a rather big step towards healing that layer of trauma.
Bravery is something that seeks us at the most unexpected times - trust that you’ll conjure it when you need it most, and thank it for its presence.
Now, I’m off to do another brave thing by standing up for myself as a woman in a male dominated industry and have a difficult conversation I’ve put off for the last week… wish me luck!
So, how about you?
What does bravery mean to you in your daily life or creative practice?
How is your relationship to bravery - do you embrace it or resist it? And if you resist it - how can you show up for yourself this week?
Please, share your thoughts in the comments, or send me a message and let’s chat about it.
Always here with you,
Josie, xoxo